Ever since Lilli was born, I've sung/hummed/played the song Baby Mine from Dumbo, as a lullaby to her when ever she's going to sleep or just needed a good quiet hug. Sometimes it would be a few weeks before she wanted to hear it again, but she always remembers it as her favorite snuggle song. I'm not sure why I picked that song as "our" song, but it just came to mind when she was born and it has always felt perfect.
This afternoon, I showed Lilli a video of the memorable scene. When it ended, she looked at me with a tearful expression and asked "what happened to mommy?" She started to cry, I started to cry. I didn't know what to say. I was so caught off guard, I couldn't come up with the words to explain it. I was sad, that scene had so much meaning to me, more now as a mother, than it did when I was a kid.
When I finally caught up with my thoughts I blurted out between sobs, "it's ok! Dumbo learns to fly with his ears and saves his mommy!" She looked at me, sobbing still too, and said "Dumbo cry cause he misses his mommy?" Yes, I told her, sometimes Dumbo cries when he misses his mommy. To help her understand that we all have emotions, even bad ones, I tell her it's o.k. to feel bad sometimes. And it's a good thing to understand the bad feelings just as much the good ones. It's important for her to know that life isn't all roses and daffodils all the time. And she stopped crying. We decided to watch it later together and watch the full movie.
Later, as I was getting her ready and tucking her in, she said to me "It's ok, sometimes. Sometimes, Dumbo cry cause he misses his mommy... Sometimes." It made my heart ache a little, seeing her grow up so fast, understanding so much. It makes me a little sad that she's old enough to see the world for what it really is... how hard life is, and sometimes.... sometimes, it is just sad.
Update: We watched the movie and Dave came home to us curled up sobbing together. After it was over, we had a long talk about Dumbo being sad from missing his mommy. And how he and his mommy were together again so he wasn't sad anymore. Because "Sometimes we get sad."
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Hole
It's become somewhat of a tradition, with our many trips to the beach recently, to dig the best hole ever. We've been going every other week or two, trying to out run the oil washing up on the Florida coastline. It's so sad to think that she, most likely. not remember the beaches of Florida the way it is now. Worse yet, that this ecosystem is going to dramatically change for the worse over her lifetime. We've been going to all of the beaches we've always wanted to see, our favorites, and even ones we haven't visited in a very long time. Hoping to at least have some photos to show her, when she's older, of what it was like when she was a kid.
Once we're set up, Dave and Lilli go to work on digging a hole.
Love.
"Song of the Entry"
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
5 years time
Lilli is tackling one challenge after another. She is daring, adventurous, and curious even when it's not at her best interest. At times it's difficult to watch her struggle and not intervene to show her the way to go about something she is working on. She needs to learn how to figure things out on her own. From her perspective, whatever it is she is struggling with, is the mountain she must climb. From learning a new word, to walking up stairs, to even simply trying to tell us what she needs or wants. It's important that we let her try things herself, then help when we're asked. These are the trials that will define who she will become in her life. In life there are so many of these mountains to climb, it's important that she learns how to do things on her own, these monumental struggles are familiar to us.
We moved to Florida 5 years ago this week. That day we packed our 17 foot moving truck filling it with our college furniture, too many boxes of things that would disappear over the years, our memories, and our lives up until that day (minus my bike that "would never fit"). Around 3 a.m., we said goodbye to two friends who decided to see us off at such a ridiculous hour. We packed up Taz (who was only supposed to stay with us for the summer) and Sneakers (my chinchilla). We drank some caffeine and drove away from my mom's house where we'd been staying for 8 months.
It was scary. We left with few job prospects, enough in the bank to keep us afloat for a few months, an apartment we found online that we had never seen before and no experience with living so far away from our families and friends. We had no idea of what we wanted out of life, but I knew Florida was the way to get there. It was all I could think about the two years leading up to that road trip. So I convinced Dave to come with me on an adventure and away we drove.
Twenty-four hours of driving non-stop with our car hitched to the back later, we arrived at a friend's house at in the wee hours of the morning. Our key wouldn't be accessible until the next morning. We slept for a few hours then got stuck in the K-turn from hell in his parking lot before arriving to our first apartment together as a couple. I cut my finger on the hitch (a scar I look at often) trying to figure out how in the world to do a U-turn in a truck with a car attached, it took us at least an hour and a half to pull out.
Then, finally, we arrived, opened the apartment door and took the longest sigh of relief since we had left. Those two people that unloaded that truck on their own seem like two people from a movie to me now. I can see them, watch their struggle, but it hardly seems like it was once our lives.
We found jobs, Dave is still at the one he found only after a few weeks down here. After about 4 awful temp jobs, finally I found a job I didn't have to quit. We weren't making much, we missed our families and friends, and it was really hot. I spent the first six months crying every other day, thinking we'd have to turn around and go back with our heads in our hands, the model of failure. Then something happened.... Time passed, we changed. We grew. We overcame obstacles, survived tropical storms, and took trips "home" every year until "home" was not our home anymore. We missed weddings, births, deaths, and other major events in our family's lives. Instead, we grew our own garden of a life here.
We lost our beloved Sneakers after a few months, she didn't take well to the new surroundings. A few months after Taz extended his stay, he chose an orange kitten from a shelter we named Linus. I found a wonderful job at UT where people made me feel like family. Dave got his real estate license, I went back to school for a while. We became a part of a community of people. We overcame the idea of who we were and became who we are now.
.JPG)
Five years later... we're parents. A role that overshadows all of the challenges we had to face to get to this point. It's our job to let Lilli take her turn at living. Thinking about her adventures to be had, made me realize how far we've come. So much has changed since sitting in a moving truck outside a suburban New Jersey house that belonged to one of our parents with our punk rock posters rolled up in the back and my bike sitting in the driveway. When I ask myself, if I could, would I do it differently? I wouldn't change a thing. Except... maybe I would have brought my bike, it totally would have fit.
"Song of the Entry"
Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time
We moved to Florida 5 years ago this week. That day we packed our 17 foot moving truck filling it with our college furniture, too many boxes of things that would disappear over the years, our memories, and our lives up until that day (minus my bike that "would never fit"). Around 3 a.m., we said goodbye to two friends who decided to see us off at such a ridiculous hour. We packed up Taz (who was only supposed to stay with us for the summer) and Sneakers (my chinchilla). We drank some caffeine and drove away from my mom's house where we'd been staying for 8 months. It was scary. We left with few job prospects, enough in the bank to keep us afloat for a few months, an apartment we found online that we had never seen before and no experience with living so far away from our families and friends. We had no idea of what we wanted out of life, but I knew Florida was the way to get there. It was all I could think about the two years leading up to that road trip. So I convinced Dave to come with me on an adventure and away we drove.
Twenty-four hours of driving non-stop with our car hitched to the back later, we arrived at a friend's house at in the wee hours of the morning. Our key wouldn't be accessible until the next morning. We slept for a few hours then got stuck in the K-turn from hell in his parking lot before arriving to our first apartment together as a couple. I cut my finger on the hitch (a scar I look at often) trying to figure out how in the world to do a U-turn in a truck with a car attached, it took us at least an hour and a half to pull out.
Then, finally, we arrived, opened the apartment door and took the longest sigh of relief since we had left. Those two people that unloaded that truck on their own seem like two people from a movie to me now. I can see them, watch their struggle, but it hardly seems like it was once our lives.
We found jobs, Dave is still at the one he found only after a few weeks down here. After about 4 awful temp jobs, finally I found a job I didn't have to quit. We weren't making much, we missed our families and friends, and it was really hot. I spent the first six months crying every other day, thinking we'd have to turn around and go back with our heads in our hands, the model of failure. Then something happened.... Time passed, we changed. We grew. We overcame obstacles, survived tropical storms, and took trips "home" every year until "home" was not our home anymore. We missed weddings, births, deaths, and other major events in our family's lives. Instead, we grew our own garden of a life here.
We lost our beloved Sneakers after a few months, she didn't take well to the new surroundings. A few months after Taz extended his stay, he chose an orange kitten from a shelter we named Linus. I found a wonderful job at UT where people made me feel like family. Dave got his real estate license, I went back to school for a while. We became a part of a community of people. We overcame the idea of who we were and became who we are now.
.JPG)
"Song of the Entry"
Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time
And though a million of these moments are just in my head
I’ll be thinking about families an’ lying in bed
And ya know that I believe it might not even come true
But in my mind I’m having a pretty good time with you.
I’ll be thinking about families an’ lying in bed
And ya know that I believe it might not even come true
But in my mind I’m having a pretty good time with you.
Oh, Five years time
I might not know you,
In Five Years Time
We might not speak at all and
In Five Years Time
We might not get along
In Five Years Time
You might just prove me wrong.
I might not know you,
In Five Years Time
We might not speak at all and
In Five Years Time
We might not get along
In Five Years Time
You might just prove me wrong.
Oh there’ll be,
Love Love Love
Wherever you go, There’ll be
Love Love Love
Love Love Love
Wherever you go, There’ll be
Love Love Love
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas!
Happy Holidays!
Our family wishes yours a very happy, healthy, and safe holiday.
"Song of the Entry"
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Fever
New years eve 2008-09 was the last time Lilli was sick or had a fever. We spent our New Years Eve relaxing since we were new parents, we didn't have any extravagant plans. Around 1 a.m. we realized the thrill of waiting up for the ball to drop was unnecessary and we went to bed. Within a half an hour we were woken up by a hysterical five month old. The next three days were scary and exhausting. We called our doctor every time our concerns became too overwhelming to handle on our own. It all seems like a lifetime ago.
She has had her share of bumps and bruises, considering she's genetically prone to clumsiness, but since the day we took her out of daycare she has rarely had even a stuffy nose. We've been lucky enough to avoid an ear infection, stomach virus, and colds. Mostly, when she feels sick, it's related to her teething but never more than a low-grade fever.
Last week she was pushing through three or four molars. She was miserable, whiny, and very clingy, just not usual spunky self. She had her usual low-grade fever for a day or so before the worst of it kicked in. Once again she waited until the wee hours of the morning, we were awoken by screams of pain and restlessness. However, this time she was much more capable of expressing her discomfort.
Being able to express herself was something I looked forward to in situations like this one. Finally, we'd be able to comfort her if we knew what she needed. Boy, was I wrong. She was able to express her pain, but it did not help anything. Being able to express herself only made her thrash about, cry, and generally dislike the world with more intensity. We still felt helpless, exhausted, and scared.
When her fever hit 103+ around 3 a.m., we panicked, she had never been this sick before now. I spent the rest of the night sleeping sitting up with a steaming hot toddler nestled into my chest. Every time I tried to move, she woke up in hysterics. When the doctors office opened we called and they suggested we keep doing everything we had been doing. This just made us feel worse for our little girl who was obviously unhappy. It went on for another day or so before she started to feel better and those pesky molars poked through ready to chew on anything in sight.
I felt the same as I had the first time she was sick, helpless. More than anything, we wanted to make her feel better. It seemed like the only thing that would make anything better was love, Tylenol and patience. I suppose that as she gets older, the sicknesses won't become any easier. The guilt and sadness a parent feels for their sick child never changes. The love and comfort they need to feel better never goes away. No matter how much medicine you give your child, the thing they want most is you.
"Song of the Entry"
Saturday, October 17, 2009
A mother's guilt
I grew up in a pretty big family, compared to Dave's at least. There was no shortage of mother's guilt in my life. Sometimes the guilt was used for simple things like doing the dishes and other times big things like which college to attend.
Allow me to give you an example of such a situation. Say you're busy one day that your grandmother needs a ride to the store. Your plans aren't incredibly important, but you have made a commitment to your day and changing your plans would be inconvenient. A mother's guilt is not direct, it's not obvious and it will almost always work. It starts with her mental list of other options she might have: "well, I guess I could call your brother, but he's working until 6 p.m.... I guess I could wait to pick up my creamer and just drink my coffee black. Although, that usually upsets my stomach, so I guess I could just skip coffee all together today." :::loud sigh:::
I had always resented this guilt. I never understood how someone could be so passive aggressive and yet, somehow, I felt compelled to do whatever it was that was being requested. It wasn't until I had become a mother that I understood from where this power stems.
I now understand that the mother's guilt is perfected from spending every moment of your life feeling guilty. Guilt for making a bad decision that could potentially change the course of a child's life. Guilt from spending an extra five minutes in the shower instead of playing another round of wheels on the bus. Guilt from making the husband take out the garbage when he clearly thinks isn't that bad and it could wait until tomorrow morning. Guilt from neglecting another unanswered email, that plant that's been dying for a few weeks, the piles of paperwork that needs to be filed, that pile of crumbs that has been passed over a few times but would be cleaned up when the list of to-do's was finally finished.
I don't think that these moms intentionally ever guilt-ed anyone into doing their bidding. I believe they were generally just thinking about their options aloud. Trying to find an answer to the endless stream of questions, problems and challenges that come up every single second of every single day. I believe comes from years and years of pros-cons, decision making, planning, and simply just trying to get things done efficiently.
It's difficult to run a family, a house, and the life a parent chooses without weighing all of the options. It feels like every decision you make could have a terrible consequence. (Flu shot or No flu shot? Early nap or late nap? Chicken or Pizza for dinner? Preschool or home school? Jacket or sweater? Stay here or go there?)
I think moms are good at guilt because they spend their life feeling guilty. We are just trying to find the best option for our kids and our families. We're trying to get our damn coffee so we can make it through the day.
Dear Moms in my family,
I appreciate your guilt, I love you too. Sorry I gave you so much crap, I'm happy to pick you up some creamer. Enjoy your morning coffee. :)
Love, me
"Indie Song of the Entry"
Down and Out by The Displacements
Allow me to give you an example of such a situation. Say you're busy one day that your grandmother needs a ride to the store. Your plans aren't incredibly important, but you have made a commitment to your day and changing your plans would be inconvenient. A mother's guilt is not direct, it's not obvious and it will almost always work. It starts with her mental list of other options she might have: "well, I guess I could call your brother, but he's working until 6 p.m.... I guess I could wait to pick up my creamer and just drink my coffee black. Although, that usually upsets my stomach, so I guess I could just skip coffee all together today." :::loud sigh:::
I had always resented this guilt. I never understood how someone could be so passive aggressive and yet, somehow, I felt compelled to do whatever it was that was being requested. It wasn't until I had become a mother that I understood from where this power stems.
I now understand that the mother's guilt is perfected from spending every moment of your life feeling guilty. Guilt for making a bad decision that could potentially change the course of a child's life. Guilt from spending an extra five minutes in the shower instead of playing another round of wheels on the bus. Guilt from making the husband take out the garbage when he clearly thinks isn't that bad and it could wait until tomorrow morning. Guilt from neglecting another unanswered email, that plant that's been dying for a few weeks, the piles of paperwork that needs to be filed, that pile of crumbs that has been passed over a few times but would be cleaned up when the list of to-do's was finally finished.
I don't think that these moms intentionally ever guilt-ed anyone into doing their bidding. I believe they were generally just thinking about their options aloud. Trying to find an answer to the endless stream of questions, problems and challenges that come up every single second of every single day. I believe comes from years and years of pros-cons, decision making, planning, and simply just trying to get things done efficiently.
It's difficult to run a family, a house, and the life a parent chooses without weighing all of the options. It feels like every decision you make could have a terrible consequence. (Flu shot or No flu shot? Early nap or late nap? Chicken or Pizza for dinner? Preschool or home school? Jacket or sweater? Stay here or go there?)
I think moms are good at guilt because they spend their life feeling guilty. We are just trying to find the best option for our kids and our families. We're trying to get our damn coffee so we can make it through the day.
Dear Moms in my family,
I appreciate your guilt, I love you too. Sorry I gave you so much crap, I'm happy to pick you up some creamer. Enjoy your morning coffee. :)
Love, me
"Indie Song of the Entry"
Down and Out by The Displacements
Monday, July 6, 2009
the awful truth
When I was pregnant there was a long list of things we will never do with our baby. No TV, I had done research on it for a class project and concluded that quality time was better for baby's development. No co-sleeping, it's our bed not a family bed. No juice, sugar, or other things that make life grand.
Fast forward a year or so, here is the awful truth about my decisions. She has favorite characters and shows and can I get an hour or so of work or housework done during an already hectic day. She isn't any less loved or far behind in ters development. If anything she has learned a lot from these educational programs. They teach her colors, counting, logical thinking, music, social skills, and long list of other things that I don't believe do any harm. I admit that I look forward to watching shows with her most of the time. We sit and sing the songs, answer the character's audience questions, we talk about what is happening. So does that counter the quality time issue. For the sake of my guilt, I say yes.
Lilli make her way into our bed every night and I miss her when she isn't there next to me. I have been sleeping better and she isn't waking up in full on scream-mode every night. Dave and I both look forward to the morning when she cuddles up next to us before we start our days. We don't think it hurts our relationship, we find time for ourselves. Even if that means we look at nap time like the holy mecca of mommy/daddy time.
I will admit she drinks juice, I have snuck her a taste of my cherry ICEE, she has tasted sugar and I don't feel bad about it. These are the things that make being a kid so much fun. Looking forward to treats and sharing them with people you love. Besides, Dave and I have always been the "cakes and pies!" type couple, LONG before Lilli was in the picture.
There is this unspoken guilt that society (and over baring people) have inflicted on us to be secretive about what really goes on in your real life. So here is my awful truth, I love my daughter and she is a health and happy little girl. I will not feel the guilt anyone tries to place on me for my decisions on how to raise my family. To each their own, just leave ours alone.
Fast forward a year or so, here is the awful truth about my decisions. She has favorite characters and shows and can I get an hour or so of work or housework done during an already hectic day. She isn't any less loved or far behind in ters development. If anything she has learned a lot from these educational programs. They teach her colors, counting, logical thinking, music, social skills, and long list of other things that I don't believe do any harm. I admit that I look forward to watching shows with her most of the time. We sit and sing the songs, answer the character's audience questions, we talk about what is happening. So does that counter the quality time issue. For the sake of my guilt, I say yes.
Lilli make her way into our bed every night and I miss her when she isn't there next to me. I have been sleeping better and she isn't waking up in full on scream-mode every night. Dave and I both look forward to the morning when she cuddles up next to us before we start our days. We don't think it hurts our relationship, we find time for ourselves. Even if that means we look at nap time like the holy mecca of mommy/daddy time.
I will admit she drinks juice, I have snuck her a taste of my cherry ICEE, she has tasted sugar and I don't feel bad about it. These are the things that make being a kid so much fun. Looking forward to treats and sharing them with people you love. Besides, Dave and I have always been the "cakes and pies!" type couple, LONG before Lilli was in the picture.
There is this unspoken guilt that society (and over baring people) have inflicted on us to be secretive about what really goes on in your real life. So here is my awful truth, I love my daughter and she is a health and happy little girl. I will not feel the guilt anyone tries to place on me for my decisions on how to raise my family. To each their own, just leave ours alone.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
hugs
Today Lilli stood up across the room, looked at me with a smile, ran over and threw her arms around me and squeezed. She just laid there for a minute. I got choked up. :)
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