Watched pot

Twice today, someone said to me "wow, she's getting so big!" These are the people that see her once a week or more. I looked down at her and thought, wow she really is... It came as a shock. How could I have missed it? She's become a tall, lanky, often clumsy, kid.

Some days it seems like she wakes up taller, walking around awkwardly for a few hours or days. Bumping, running into, and falling over anything in her newly sized path. Since we are together so much, it escapes me to notice from time to time.

It's not that I'm not paying attention, measuring, observing and straight up gawking at the wonder that is my child. It's borderline obsessive how closely I watch for any minuscule change in her life. However, from time to time it strikes me, usually by someone else's point of view, how much change has happened in such a very short amount of time.  When did it all happen? When did she go from being a toddler to a kid? Soon enough, she'll be walking out the door on her way to class.  Luckily, for now, there are just toy cars and magnets in that backpack...

5 years time

Lilli is tackling one challenge after another.  She is daring, adventurous, and curious even when it's not at her best interest. At times it's difficult to watch her struggle and not intervene to show her the way to go about something she is working on. She needs to learn how to figure things out on her own.  From her perspective, whatever it is she is struggling with, is the mountain she must climb. From learning a new word, to walking up stairs, to even simply trying to tell us what she needs or wants.  It's important that we let her try things herself, then help when we're asked.  These are the trials that will define who she will become in her life.  In life there are so many of these mountains to climb, it's important that she learns how to do things on her own, these monumental struggles are familiar to us.  


We moved to Florida 5 years ago this week. That day we packed our 17 foot moving truck filling it with our college furniture, too many boxes of things that would disappear over the years, our memories, and our lives up until that day (minus my bike that "would never fit").  Around 3 a.m., we said goodbye to two friends who decided to see us off at such a ridiculous hour.  We packed up Taz (who was only supposed to stay with us for the summer) and Sneakers (my chinchilla).  We drank some caffeine and drove away from my mom's house where we'd been staying for 8 months. 


It was scary. We left with few job prospects, enough in the bank to keep us afloat for a few months, an apartment we found online that we had never seen before and no experience with living so far away from our families and friends.  We had no idea of what we wanted out of life, but I knew Florida was the way to get there. It was all I could think about the two years leading up to that road trip.  So I convinced Dave to come with me on an adventure and away we drove.  


Twenty-four hours of driving non-stop with our car hitched to the back later, we arrived at a friend's house at in the wee hours of the morning.  Our key wouldn't be accessible until the next morning.  We slept for a few hours then got stuck in the K-turn from hell in his parking lot before arriving to our first apartment together as a couple.  I cut my finger on the hitch (a scar I look at often) trying to figure out how in the world to do a U-turn in a truck with a car attached, it took us at least an hour and a half to pull out.  


Then, finally, we arrived, opened the apartment door and took the longest sigh of relief since we had left.  Those two people that unloaded that truck on their own seem like two people from a movie to me now.  I can see them, watch their struggle, but it hardly seems like it was once our lives.  


We found jobs, Dave is still at the one he found only after a few weeks down here.  After about 4 awful temp jobs, finally I found a job I didn't have to quit. We weren't making much, we missed our families and friends, and it was really hot. I spent the first six months crying every other day, thinking we'd have to turn around and go back with our heads in our hands, the model of failure. Then something happened.... Time passed, we changed. We grew. We overcame obstacles, survived tropical storms, and took trips "home" every year until "home" was not our home anymore.  We missed weddings, births, deaths, and other major events in our family's lives.  Instead, we grew our own garden of a life here.


We lost our beloved Sneakers after a few months, she didn't take well to the new surroundings.  A few months after Taz extended his stay, he chose an orange kitten from a shelter we named Linus.  I found a wonderful job at UT where people made me feel like family.  Dave got his real estate license, I went back to school for a while.  We became a part of a community of people.  We overcame the idea of who we were and became who we are now.  

Five years later... we're parents. A role that overshadows all of the challenges we had to face to get to this point.  It's our job to let Lilli take her turn at living.  Thinking about her adventures to be had, made me realize how far we've come.  So much has changed since sitting in a moving truck outside a suburban New Jersey house that belonged to one of our parents with our punk rock posters rolled up in the back and my bike sitting in the driveway. When I ask myself, if I could, would I do it differently? I wouldn't change a thing.  Except... maybe I would have brought my bike, it totally would have fit. 


"Song of the Entry"


Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time

And though a million of these moments are just in my head
I’ll be thinking about families an’ lying in bed
And ya know that I believe it might not even come true
But in my mind I’m having a pretty good time with you.

Oh, Five years time
I might not know you,
In Five Years Time
We might not speak at all and
In Five Years Time
We might not get along
In Five Years Time
You might just prove me wrong.

Oh there’ll be,
Love Love Love
Wherever you go, There’ll be
Love Love Love

Hiking on her own

Over the past two years, we took walks in the park with a child strapped to our chest or steering clear of unpaved roads and using a stroller.  My back couldn't wait to have her walking on her own, it's tough hiking with an extra 15 pounds strapped to your front in 85+ degree weather. She was barely aware of, let alone able to participate in, her surroundings in the past.  When we took our first hike of the year, it was surprising to watch her explore without any assistance or regard to our whereabouts.

As we walked through the nature trails of one of our favorite parks, she talked about the trees, the leaves, the mud, the snakes ("Sssss!"), and the bugs (or bees as she kept calling them).

She walked ahead of us, she walked behind us, she was in her own world.  It was incredible to see such a difference from one year ago.  I suppose the fact that she's mastered walking (and running) had a lot to do with it, but still, it's incredible to see.

The only difficulties she came across were small bridges over water (which was more our trust issues than her issues) and roots sticking up in the path.   When we saw a big root coming up we'd all shout "root!" and by the end of the walk she mastered hills, roots, and mud.  She was hiking like pro.

Although it was wonderful to watch our little girl take on the great big world all by herself, I have to admit it stung a little to see her embrace her independence.  Sure she has started to dress and undress herself, she can put her shoes on (and off) on her own, she is starting to take on stairs (up and down) while we stand by nervously, but it's sad to watch her need us less and less.

We had a great day, despite the last 15 minutes that she quit walking and would only settle for "Mommy!" to hold her. Passing on something we have always really enjoy doing together and sharing it with her in a new ways was totally worth the back pain.

"Song of the Entry"

Paper Planes (cover) by The Da Vincis

Opening the door

When I wrote the Dora entry, I thought that it was a pretty funny way to end the week. Lilli started singing along to songs she recognized and we were excited to share her new talent with others. Neither of us were concerned about Lilli's speech or what she was learning from singing along to the Dora song, but it made for a funny story. I should have been aware of a potential reaction to my toddler watching television, developing a stutter, and/or mocking a beloved television character.

When I started this blog it was merely an outlet for my thoughts and ideas through out my pregnancy and now being a mother. I was going through a lot during my pregnancy and so I started writing for me, no one else. After Lilli was born, I decided to open up to the rest of my family and friends when I was inspired by others who had done the same. Recently, a wise friend told me that when you open yourself up like this and let people in, you invite their opinions and ideas. I just didn't see it coming.

Unfortunately, I am a pretty sensitive person, especially sensitive to other's judgement of my parenting. Then again, find me a mom that hasn't questioned their decisions as a mom at least once. I found myself upset and flustered (for a lack of a better word). I didn't see my sarcastic joke turning into such a debated topic and was taken back when it spiraled beyond what it was intended.

I received emails, messages, comments, text messages, etc. I started to become defensive. Then I sat back, relaxed and thought about what was really bothering me in the situation. People didn't get my joke. My sarcasm didn't translate well in print. I debated whether to make my blog private again, I started to think about censoring my topics to things that were more uncontroversial. I sat on it for a few days before deciding what I wanted.

I wanted a place to share with my family and friends. I wanted a place to say my peace uninterrupted and uncensored. I'm unapologetic for how I feel, what I think, and the way we raise our daughter. We do the best we can given our situation. We love our daughter more than anything and give her every second of our attention, which is more than most parents do these days. Our lives are not the same as anyone else's and for that reason alone I have to learn to accept other people's views. So feel free to share your thoughts and opinions, just understand this a place for me to share, vent, and document our family's life.

"Song of the Entry"

Two Atoms in a Molecule by Noah and the Whale

How we got here

When I turned 25 I was still struggling with my identity issues and becoming an adult while clinging on to the persona I had created for myself as a young adult. I had viewed myself as a tough chick who was far too immature to be a parent. I had barely been able to care for plants and I would tell myself "I'd probably forget to feed a kid or trip over it." And in all honesty... present time... those things both happen on a really bad day.

I had a very hard time admitting to myself that I was ready to have a baby. I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt the transition. There was a scare, I had been fairly regular my entire life and so when I was a few days late I thought for sure we were pregnant. Then the scare passed and I felt like I had lost something... But how could I have lost something? This was a relief... wasn't it?...

I struggled for a long time with this new emotion, this new urge. It went against everything I had presented myself as in my few years of being an "adult". I wasn't ready for this, was I? It took an entire year and a good friend having a baby to finally be open with my desires.

I cried. A lot. I held it in and I pretended to be the same person I always had been before this change. I lied to myself and Dave, I lied to my friends and family. "I am entirely too reckless and immature to want a child," I told myself. But the urgency of that need/want became unbearable. I couldn't hold it in anymore and finally I spilled my guts to Dave.

He took it MUCH better than I had anticipated. I think I was more disappointed in myself than he was in my change. He said something that made me feel alright about it, "I really didn't expect you to never want these things, you were bound to change in the (then) 7 years we have been together." He was right. And I had not seen it that way before.

Slowly I allowed myself to be that person I had become, to allow the mask of my formal self to slip away into my past. I had finally become the person I had set out to find on my journey from home. And most importantly, I stopped caring about the person I had pretended to be for so long. That person was living for everyone else, this new person lived for herself and her future family.

It was only the beginning of this LONG journey I am still carving into a life, but it was the most important change I've ever experience. It was the strongest urge I have ever felt in my life. The urge to be a mother.

That urge was so strong that it consumed me in ways I can not put into words. Every thing I saw, did, or felt was somehow related to this new feeling. I wanted it so bad I could feel it in my bones. It was everything.

Now, almost four years later, I can't imagine feeling that need so strongly. Perhaps it's just not the right time for me and my family, but I can't imagine ever feeling so strongly. I can't imagine ever needing another child as much as I needed Lilli. She was there that whole time, urging me to grow and move forward.

To Lilli:

Thank you for forcing me to see the person I am and not the person I wanted to be for someone else. Thank you for showing me how to grow, learn and embrace the concept of self. I love you for who ever you are and who ever you become.

-Mommy


"Indie Song of the Entry"

Shout by De Novo Dahl

Diving Miss Pie

This weekend we installed the front-facing car seat for the little one. She seemed apprehensive and a bit overwhelmed at first.



She also had some issues letting go of her old car seat.



Eventually she became curious and explored her surroundings.



Over the past few days she's begun chattering a lot more when we are on car trips. It's like she had been saving up all of her questions and observations for the chance to share it with us. :)

"Indie Song of the Entry"

Lolita by Throw Me the Statue

Progress report

Lilli has recently taken up running. Not just a brisk walking, but- arms flailing, smile wide, almost screaming in excitement -running. She likes to be chased around and will sometimes take things from us and walk just out of reach backwards to see our faces, then we are forced to chase after her. Her response to that is to run full force into the side of our bed and hide her face in the blankets laughing hysterically as we catch up. I have to admit, as frustrating as it is to try to catch a naked baby running away with a box of wipes or diaper, it's really fun to watch her play. Learning her boundaries and pushing them just a bit further.

Whether she's testing our authority or pushing her own physical limits, she's learning at such a rapid rate sometimes I am thrown back when I hear or see her do something new. The past two weeks she has picked up on about five new signs and close to 5 new words. Earlier this week I asked her if she wanted a banana (followed by the usual banana song) and she replied "Nana!" I nearly fell out of my seat in shock. And when she screamed at me for not watching her do the "all done" sign after eating breakfast one morning, I realized that she's moving along quicker than I'm able to keep up.

She can tell us what she wants and needs and she knows the sequence of events for long drawn out processes. She knows what comes next and when it doesn't play out the way she thinks it should she is quick to let you know that it is not right. Her personality shines through every new thing she learns. Defining herself everyday with her intelligence and disposition.

On another note, she has grown her top two front teeth and they are starting to show. It's so strange to see my baby with a mouth full of teeth. She is a late bloomer for teeth, I can't say I am sad about it. It's almost hard to imagine her as a baby anymore, she'll always be my baby, but she's starting to look like a toddler. I truly cherished the toothless grin and the two bottom teeth smile was beyond adorable. But now... a full on toothy smile, it makes me proud and sad at the same time.



"Indie Song of the Entry"

Scream Scream by The Battle Royale

Remembering through photos

We take a lot of pictures and videos of our "kids" (human and animal) and the places we visit. There are a few reasons for the dedication to documentation of our lives.

First, and most importantly, Lilli's life is flashing by us at such a fast speed that we want to try to recall as many memories as we are capable. It is amazing how quickly short term memories become just a flash of the past to be forgotten, our minds are just not able to retain so much information over a lifetime. Those memories are more likely to become long term ones if they're recorded and reviewed. Additionally, we'd like to be able to look back from time to time, reminisce about how tiny she was and how fast she changed. She has already grown and developed into the person she will some day become. It's alarming how quickly time has already passed by us over the past year. She changes daily, literally.

The second reason is for our family, who lives more than a few hours away. They would have missed out on the key aspects of her personality if it was not for videos of her dancing, singing, and playing. While it may seem excessive to some people, we get a lot grief when new pictures and videos are not posted quickly enough for them. And to be completely honest, we're more than happy to provide our family with more pictures than they have time to see.

Lastly, the most personal of reasons, I love pictures. Love them. Love love love love pictures. I could look at pictures for days. I love to look at them, I get excited when I order prints of pictures I've already seen, I look at almost every picture posted by my family and friends. And why the hell not? Pictures are the stories of our lives. Our story is one worth commemorating and documenting.

"Indie Song of the Entry"

Dreaming Of The Plum Trees by White Hinterland

12 month appt

I wasn't looking forward to the 12 month well appointment. The probing questions and advice session, that hardly seemed professional, last time makes me less confident this time. For her 9 month appointment, I went overly confident, maybe even proud of our little girl. She was walking way before most kids, she was starting to sign and gesture, and most of all she was healthy. Then I got kicked in the stomach and felt like a bad parent for a few days.

My plan was to try not to think about the appointment and focus on being the best parent I possibly can be every single day. And I feel as though I accomplished my goal, to a point. I won't lie, it definitely bothered me up until the second it ended, but I curbed my anxiety and focused on the important things.

We saw a different doctor this time, one without a thick accent I couldn't understand fully. She came in, asked the normal questions, read off Lilli's measurements the assistant took right before, asked us about her diet, talk to us about flu vaccinations, asked if we had questions (which we always do), and that was that. No questions about our relationship, no comments about our parenting styles, and no accusing eyes about both of us being there for her appointment. So needless to say, we have a new doctor preference. Winner.

For shits and giggles, Lilli's measurement results:
Height: 30 inches (78%, holy tall!)
Weight: 18 lbs 15.04 oz (16%, and now Dave is trying to feed her non-stop)
Head: 18 inches (69%, big old head to contain all of those devilish ideas)

separation frustrations

When we got back from our trip home, Lilli had become so clingy and yelly (yes that is a word, stupid spell check). She literally screamed when I put her down, when I went to the bathroom, when I walked out of view, when she was sad or happy or just bored. It has literally been driving me insane.

I thought about many things that could be the cause of this new issue. There were so many people picking her up and my stress in the situations probably didn't give her the right impression. She spent a lot of time apart from me for the first time, but instead of with one familiar face, she was with many unfamiliar ones. We spent the whole week chasing her around saying "NO!" Not because she was bad, but because everywhere we went was completely un-baby proofed (baby-death traps as we called them.) We cant blame anyone, practically everywhere we visited had not been in baby-mode for over 10 years. Still... it gave her anxiety and she felt trapped, I could see it. The only place she was allowed to roam was outside and even then she was monitored and ushered around.

So many reasons for this sudden constant-meltdown. We researched separation anxiety, stranger anxiety, even "baby yelling non-stop". We came up with so many theories but nothing seemed to fit.

Finally, I spent the day watching her, trying to see what triggered the episodes. Then I noticed, it had a lot to do with her space and when she was allowed to roam her space. I took down her play yard and once again opened up more space for her to play. Something I've done every few months when she learns a new skill that requires more space. I let her roam around with a close watchful eye, try not to hover over her as she explored.

At first she would come back to me every few minutes to check in or look around for my gaze and approval. Quickly the yelling became less and less. We started taking her for walks around the complex, letting her stop as she pleased to collect leaves and sticks. She was exploring without limits, well not completely unlimited.

As if over-night, she seemed to slowly ease up on her anxiety. She still has been yelling when I try and keep her from getting into dangerous situations, but its more out of frustration than extreme anxiety. As I type, she is running (yes running...) from where I sit to the other room. A happy yell. I can live with that.

closet review

Every few months I have to go through all of Lilli's clothes and re-evaluate what fits, which things go in the memory box, what is passed on, or kept if there's a next one. It always makes me a little sad to see the tiny clothes go, each time getting closer to toddler status.

I won't lie, I keep some things and force her to wear them just one more time.