Wishing all of the moms of the world a very happy Mother's Day!
May you get to sleep in, skip chores, and have a dinner made by someone else's hard work.
We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Showing posts with label The beginning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The beginning. Show all posts
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
5 years time
Lilli is tackling one challenge after another. She is daring, adventurous, and curious even when it's not at her best interest. At times it's difficult to watch her struggle and not intervene to show her the way to go about something she is working on. She needs to learn how to figure things out on her own. From her perspective, whatever it is she is struggling with, is the mountain she must climb. From learning a new word, to walking up stairs, to even simply trying to tell us what she needs or wants. It's important that we let her try things herself, then help when we're asked. These are the trials that will define who she will become in her life. In life there are so many of these mountains to climb, it's important that she learns how to do things on her own, these monumental struggles are familiar to us.
We moved to Florida 5 years ago this week. That day we packed our 17 foot moving truck filling it with our college furniture, too many boxes of things that would disappear over the years, our memories, and our lives up until that day (minus my bike that "would never fit"). Around 3 a.m., we said goodbye to two friends who decided to see us off at such a ridiculous hour. We packed up Taz (who was only supposed to stay with us for the summer) and Sneakers (my chinchilla). We drank some caffeine and drove away from my mom's house where we'd been staying for 8 months.
It was scary. We left with few job prospects, enough in the bank to keep us afloat for a few months, an apartment we found online that we had never seen before and no experience with living so far away from our families and friends. We had no idea of what we wanted out of life, but I knew Florida was the way to get there. It was all I could think about the two years leading up to that road trip. So I convinced Dave to come with me on an adventure and away we drove.
Twenty-four hours of driving non-stop with our car hitched to the back later, we arrived at a friend's house at in the wee hours of the morning. Our key wouldn't be accessible until the next morning. We slept for a few hours then got stuck in the K-turn from hell in his parking lot before arriving to our first apartment together as a couple. I cut my finger on the hitch (a scar I look at often) trying to figure out how in the world to do a U-turn in a truck with a car attached, it took us at least an hour and a half to pull out.
Then, finally, we arrived, opened the apartment door and took the longest sigh of relief since we had left. Those two people that unloaded that truck on their own seem like two people from a movie to me now. I can see them, watch their struggle, but it hardly seems like it was once our lives.
We found jobs, Dave is still at the one he found only after a few weeks down here. After about 4 awful temp jobs, finally I found a job I didn't have to quit. We weren't making much, we missed our families and friends, and it was really hot. I spent the first six months crying every other day, thinking we'd have to turn around and go back with our heads in our hands, the model of failure. Then something happened.... Time passed, we changed. We grew. We overcame obstacles, survived tropical storms, and took trips "home" every year until "home" was not our home anymore. We missed weddings, births, deaths, and other major events in our family's lives. Instead, we grew our own garden of a life here.
We lost our beloved Sneakers after a few months, she didn't take well to the new surroundings. A few months after Taz extended his stay, he chose an orange kitten from a shelter we named Linus. I found a wonderful job at UT where people made me feel like family. Dave got his real estate license, I went back to school for a while. We became a part of a community of people. We overcame the idea of who we were and became who we are now.
.JPG)
Five years later... we're parents. A role that overshadows all of the challenges we had to face to get to this point. It's our job to let Lilli take her turn at living. Thinking about her adventures to be had, made me realize how far we've come. So much has changed since sitting in a moving truck outside a suburban New Jersey house that belonged to one of our parents with our punk rock posters rolled up in the back and my bike sitting in the driveway. When I ask myself, if I could, would I do it differently? I wouldn't change a thing. Except... maybe I would have brought my bike, it totally would have fit.
"Song of the Entry"
Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time
We moved to Florida 5 years ago this week. That day we packed our 17 foot moving truck filling it with our college furniture, too many boxes of things that would disappear over the years, our memories, and our lives up until that day (minus my bike that "would never fit"). Around 3 a.m., we said goodbye to two friends who decided to see us off at such a ridiculous hour. We packed up Taz (who was only supposed to stay with us for the summer) and Sneakers (my chinchilla). We drank some caffeine and drove away from my mom's house where we'd been staying for 8 months. It was scary. We left with few job prospects, enough in the bank to keep us afloat for a few months, an apartment we found online that we had never seen before and no experience with living so far away from our families and friends. We had no idea of what we wanted out of life, but I knew Florida was the way to get there. It was all I could think about the two years leading up to that road trip. So I convinced Dave to come with me on an adventure and away we drove.
Twenty-four hours of driving non-stop with our car hitched to the back later, we arrived at a friend's house at in the wee hours of the morning. Our key wouldn't be accessible until the next morning. We slept for a few hours then got stuck in the K-turn from hell in his parking lot before arriving to our first apartment together as a couple. I cut my finger on the hitch (a scar I look at often) trying to figure out how in the world to do a U-turn in a truck with a car attached, it took us at least an hour and a half to pull out.
Then, finally, we arrived, opened the apartment door and took the longest sigh of relief since we had left. Those two people that unloaded that truck on their own seem like two people from a movie to me now. I can see them, watch their struggle, but it hardly seems like it was once our lives.
We found jobs, Dave is still at the one he found only after a few weeks down here. After about 4 awful temp jobs, finally I found a job I didn't have to quit. We weren't making much, we missed our families and friends, and it was really hot. I spent the first six months crying every other day, thinking we'd have to turn around and go back with our heads in our hands, the model of failure. Then something happened.... Time passed, we changed. We grew. We overcame obstacles, survived tropical storms, and took trips "home" every year until "home" was not our home anymore. We missed weddings, births, deaths, and other major events in our family's lives. Instead, we grew our own garden of a life here.
We lost our beloved Sneakers after a few months, she didn't take well to the new surroundings. A few months after Taz extended his stay, he chose an orange kitten from a shelter we named Linus. I found a wonderful job at UT where people made me feel like family. Dave got his real estate license, I went back to school for a while. We became a part of a community of people. We overcame the idea of who we were and became who we are now.
.JPG)
"Song of the Entry"
Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time
And though a million of these moments are just in my head
I’ll be thinking about families an’ lying in bed
And ya know that I believe it might not even come true
But in my mind I’m having a pretty good time with you.
I’ll be thinking about families an’ lying in bed
And ya know that I believe it might not even come true
But in my mind I’m having a pretty good time with you.
Oh, Five years time
I might not know you,
In Five Years Time
We might not speak at all and
In Five Years Time
We might not get along
In Five Years Time
You might just prove me wrong.
I might not know you,
In Five Years Time
We might not speak at all and
In Five Years Time
We might not get along
In Five Years Time
You might just prove me wrong.
Oh there’ll be,
Love Love Love
Wherever you go, There’ll be
Love Love Love
Love Love Love
Wherever you go, There’ll be
Love Love Love
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Blogging is back
Times get tough. Writing becomes hard when you're not in the state of mind to share. The truth is... I was depressed. There I said it.
My life is not always fun kid activities and watching the flowers grow. I feel like it's important to share this so that other people know it's alright to get down sometimes. When I get depressed, I become overly sensitive and introspective. I forget how to express myself to other people when I have negative feelings. I don't share my misery, I bottle it up, hide it and pretend like I'll get over it in time for anyone to notice.
A few months went by, things got worse and poor Dave was on the receiving end of my storm. (Thanks by the way, you were amazing to stick through everything with me, even when there was nothing we could do.) We spent the holidays with family instead of on our own like how we usually do things. Though it eased my problems for a day or two, the main issue was still there simmering away. I became obsessed with trying to move closer to our families, thinking that would solve all of my problems. I forgot about all of the hard work we put into getting to this point, living on our own terms down here in Florida. I slowly let people in, dropping hints that I wasn't doing as well as I had been letting on. (Thanks to those few people that lent me an ear when I didn't think anyone wanted to hear about it.) Letting people in when things aren't peachy is something I have to work on. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems, so the problems become bigger and harder to deal with on my own.
Saying I hit rock bottom isn't really fair to people that really hit a rock bottom. I did, however, reach a point where I knew I had to change something for my mental well-being to get any better. There were a few things that I could do, even if they weren't going to solve any of the many problems I had created for myself.
- Exercise. It's good for the mind, plus I had two major formal events coming up and I had to start somewhere.
- Eat better. While being sad, eating junk food, and watching sad movies is great for wallowing... It was counter-productive to where I needed to be.
- Focus on the problems I could work on, instead of the huge ones I couldn't change.
I have things to talk about again. Stories to tell. Times to share. The blog is back. I promise to try and share the bad times along with the good ones. It's only fair to share both, if only for my own mental well-being. The mask has been lifted.
PS: Anyone who has something not-so-nice to say about this blog, my family, or our parenting style, stop reading. This is a place to love, share and build, not to tear down and hurt.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
How we got here
When I turned 25 I was still struggling with my identity issues and becoming an adult while clinging on to the persona I had created for myself as a young adult. I had viewed myself as a tough chick who was far too immature to be a parent. I had barely been able to care for plants and I would tell myself "I'd probably forget to feed a kid or trip over it." And in all honesty... present time... those things both happen on a really bad day.
I had a very hard time admitting to myself that I was ready to have a baby. I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt the transition. There was a scare, I had been fairly regular my entire life and so when I was a few days late I thought for sure we were pregnant. Then the scare passed and I felt like I had lost something... But how could I have lost something? This was a relief... wasn't it?...
I struggled for a long time with this new emotion, this new urge. It went against everything I had presented myself as in my few years of being an "adult". I wasn't ready for this, was I? It took an entire year and a good friend having a baby to finally be open with my desires.
I cried. A lot. I held it in and I pretended to be the same person I always had been before this change. I lied to myself and Dave, I lied to my friends and family. "I am entirely too reckless and immature to want a child," I told myself. But the urgency of that need/want became unbearable. I couldn't hold it in anymore and finally I spilled my guts to Dave.
He took it MUCH better than I had anticipated. I think I was more disappointed in myself than he was in my change. He said something that made me feel alright about it, "I really didn't expect you to never want these things, you were bound to change in the (then) 7 years we have been together." He was right. And I had not seen it that way before.
Slowly I allowed myself to be that person I had become, to allow the mask of my formal self to slip away into my past. I had finally become the person I had set out to find on my journey from home. And most importantly, I stopped caring about the person I had pretended to be for so long. That person was living for everyone else, this new person lived for herself and her future family.
It was only the beginning of this LONG journey I am still carving into a life, but it was the most important change I've ever experience. It was the strongest urge I have ever felt in my life. The urge to be a mother.
That urge was so strong that it consumed me in ways I can not put into words. Every thing I saw, did, or felt was somehow related to this new feeling. I wanted it so bad I could feel it in my bones. It was everything.
Now, almost four years later, I can't imagine feeling that need so strongly. Perhaps it's just not the right time for me and my family, but I can't imagine ever feeling so strongly. I can't imagine ever needing another child as much as I needed Lilli. She was there that whole time, urging me to grow and move forward.
To Lilli:
Thank you for forcing me to see the person I am and not the person I wanted to be for someone else. Thank you for showing me how to grow, learn and embrace the concept of self. I love you for who ever you are and who ever you become.
-Mommy
"Indie Song of the Entry"
Shout by De Novo Dahl
I had a very hard time admitting to myself that I was ready to have a baby. I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt the transition. There was a scare, I had been fairly regular my entire life and so when I was a few days late I thought for sure we were pregnant. Then the scare passed and I felt like I had lost something... But how could I have lost something? This was a relief... wasn't it?...
I struggled for a long time with this new emotion, this new urge. It went against everything I had presented myself as in my few years of being an "adult". I wasn't ready for this, was I? It took an entire year and a good friend having a baby to finally be open with my desires.
I cried. A lot. I held it in and I pretended to be the same person I always had been before this change. I lied to myself and Dave, I lied to my friends and family. "I am entirely too reckless and immature to want a child," I told myself. But the urgency of that need/want became unbearable. I couldn't hold it in anymore and finally I spilled my guts to Dave.
He took it MUCH better than I had anticipated. I think I was more disappointed in myself than he was in my change. He said something that made me feel alright about it, "I really didn't expect you to never want these things, you were bound to change in the (then) 7 years we have been together." He was right. And I had not seen it that way before.
Slowly I allowed myself to be that person I had become, to allow the mask of my formal self to slip away into my past. I had finally become the person I had set out to find on my journey from home. And most importantly, I stopped caring about the person I had pretended to be for so long. That person was living for everyone else, this new person lived for herself and her future family.
It was only the beginning of this LONG journey I am still carving into a life, but it was the most important change I've ever experience. It was the strongest urge I have ever felt in my life. The urge to be a mother.
That urge was so strong that it consumed me in ways I can not put into words. Every thing I saw, did, or felt was somehow related to this new feeling. I wanted it so bad I could feel it in my bones. It was everything.
Now, almost four years later, I can't imagine feeling that need so strongly. Perhaps it's just not the right time for me and my family, but I can't imagine ever feeling so strongly. I can't imagine ever needing another child as much as I needed Lilli. She was there that whole time, urging me to grow and move forward.
To Lilli:
Thank you for forcing me to see the person I am and not the person I wanted to be for someone else. Thank you for showing me how to grow, learn and embrace the concept of self. I love you for who ever you are and who ever you become.
-Mommy
"Indie Song of the Entry"
Shout by De Novo Dahl
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
taking a turn towards tunes
So there's going to be some changes... I've decided to add something to my little slice of sanity. Music. It's so much a part of me, the part of me that Dave helped me discover, that it is bound to become a part of Lilli.
There is also this part of me that misses sharing music with friends at work. I hope they read this and decide to share their own findings.
So here it goes, my first "Indie Song of the Entry"
Crackers by Maia Hirasawa
There is also this part of me that misses sharing music with friends at work. I hope they read this and decide to share their own findings.
So here it goes, my first "Indie Song of the Entry"
Crackers by Maia Hirasawa
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The Long and Short
Instead of writing a long blog about what has happened, repeating myself for about the 300th time... Here is the short version.
On 8/16 Dave and I went to the Drive-in and saw a bad movie. I had some nachos and some contractions in the car. They were about 20 mins apart and I thought nothing of it. Came home, stayed up later than usual to watch some cartoons, went to bed. Woke up at 2:30 a.m. by some strange breeze over me... I guess I lost my (grossest word ever) plug. At 4:30 my water broke. Here it goes...
Admitted at 6:30 a.m., she popped out at 1:17 p.m., and when I say pop, I mean pop. Literally, she came out fast and uneventful. Everything went wonderfully, she screamed, she got 9's on her Apgars, she was beautiful.
As I laid there waiting for my placenta to deliver, things started to look darker and darker. The placenta wouldn't deliver... I was rushed into surgery, then things went like this: surgery number one, two blood transfusions, almost died, wouldn't clot, crazy radiology procedure, lots of morphine, four days in the hospital, lots of visitors, and then exhaustion for days on end.
It didn't really occur to me that I could have died until a week and a half later. My mom, who usually plays down health issues, made an emotional comment about how she thought she was going to lose me. It finally hit home... if my mom was worried, it had to be bad. It was... my blood wasn't clotting... the procedure they did in radiology was new. They said that I may have fertility problems later. But to be honest during the entire thing, my only concern was to not have anything interrupt the possibility of breastfeeding. I just kept saying "don't give her any supplements, don't put me under, don't give her a pacifier." I spent the entire time trying to remain calm because they made a comment about how it might make it better. Plus I had to stay tough for Dave, who was about to lose his mind.
He stood there for over four hours holding his new daughter, not knowing what was going on. He was beside himself, didn't make or answer phone calls.
It was scary. It's over now... I have to take iron pills twice a day, I won't be back to normal for months. The baby, now known as Lilliana Mae, is doing great. She changes almost every single day. She's strong and adorable.
More to come another day... Just had to update for myself.
On 8/16 Dave and I went to the Drive-in and saw a bad movie. I had some nachos and some contractions in the car. They were about 20 mins apart and I thought nothing of it. Came home, stayed up later than usual to watch some cartoons, went to bed. Woke up at 2:30 a.m. by some strange breeze over me... I guess I lost my (grossest word ever) plug. At 4:30 my water broke. Here it goes...
Admitted at 6:30 a.m., she popped out at 1:17 p.m., and when I say pop, I mean pop. Literally, she came out fast and uneventful. Everything went wonderfully, she screamed, she got 9's on her Apgars, she was beautiful.
As I laid there waiting for my placenta to deliver, things started to look darker and darker. The placenta wouldn't deliver... I was rushed into surgery, then things went like this: surgery number one, two blood transfusions, almost died, wouldn't clot, crazy radiology procedure, lots of morphine, four days in the hospital, lots of visitors, and then exhaustion for days on end.
It didn't really occur to me that I could have died until a week and a half later. My mom, who usually plays down health issues, made an emotional comment about how she thought she was going to lose me. It finally hit home... if my mom was worried, it had to be bad. It was... my blood wasn't clotting... the procedure they did in radiology was new. They said that I may have fertility problems later. But to be honest during the entire thing, my only concern was to not have anything interrupt the possibility of breastfeeding. I just kept saying "don't give her any supplements, don't put me under, don't give her a pacifier." I spent the entire time trying to remain calm because they made a comment about how it might make it better. Plus I had to stay tough for Dave, who was about to lose his mind.
He stood there for over four hours holding his new daughter, not knowing what was going on. He was beside himself, didn't make or answer phone calls.
It was scary. It's over now... I have to take iron pills twice a day, I won't be back to normal for months. The baby, now known as Lilliana Mae, is doing great. She changes almost every single day. She's strong and adorable.
More to come another day... Just had to update for myself.
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