How we got here

When I turned 25 I was still struggling with my identity issues and becoming an adult while clinging on to the persona I had created for myself as a young adult. I had viewed myself as a tough chick who was far too immature to be a parent. I had barely been able to care for plants and I would tell myself "I'd probably forget to feed a kid or trip over it." And in all honesty... present time... those things both happen on a really bad day.

I had a very hard time admitting to myself that I was ready to have a baby. I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt the transition. There was a scare, I had been fairly regular my entire life and so when I was a few days late I thought for sure we were pregnant. Then the scare passed and I felt like I had lost something... But how could I have lost something? This was a relief... wasn't it?...

I struggled for a long time with this new emotion, this new urge. It went against everything I had presented myself as in my few years of being an "adult". I wasn't ready for this, was I? It took an entire year and a good friend having a baby to finally be open with my desires.

I cried. A lot. I held it in and I pretended to be the same person I always had been before this change. I lied to myself and Dave, I lied to my friends and family. "I am entirely too reckless and immature to want a child," I told myself. But the urgency of that need/want became unbearable. I couldn't hold it in anymore and finally I spilled my guts to Dave.

He took it MUCH better than I had anticipated. I think I was more disappointed in myself than he was in my change. He said something that made me feel alright about it, "I really didn't expect you to never want these things, you were bound to change in the (then) 7 years we have been together." He was right. And I had not seen it that way before.

Slowly I allowed myself to be that person I had become, to allow the mask of my formal self to slip away into my past. I had finally become the person I had set out to find on my journey from home. And most importantly, I stopped caring about the person I had pretended to be for so long. That person was living for everyone else, this new person lived for herself and her future family.

It was only the beginning of this LONG journey I am still carving into a life, but it was the most important change I've ever experience. It was the strongest urge I have ever felt in my life. The urge to be a mother.

That urge was so strong that it consumed me in ways I can not put into words. Every thing I saw, did, or felt was somehow related to this new feeling. I wanted it so bad I could feel it in my bones. It was everything.

Now, almost four years later, I can't imagine feeling that need so strongly. Perhaps it's just not the right time for me and my family, but I can't imagine ever feeling so strongly. I can't imagine ever needing another child as much as I needed Lilli. She was there that whole time, urging me to grow and move forward.

To Lilli:

Thank you for forcing me to see the person I am and not the person I wanted to be for someone else. Thank you for showing me how to grow, learn and embrace the concept of self. I love you for who ever you are and who ever you become.

-Mommy


"Indie Song of the Entry"

Shout by De Novo Dahl