Taking it in

In an effort to stay true to my word to share the bad along with the good in our lives, I am going to share some of my more personal information.  Be warned, this post contains topics such as birthing, pregnancy, breast feeding, my period and doctor visits.

About the time Lilli turned one, I decided to stop breast feeding.  It had become a comfort thing for her and was not really about nutrition.  Plus, ugh! I was so done with it.  I wanted my freedom back. I wanted my pretty bras back!  About 7 months later, and since October of 2007, I still had not resumed my normal cycle. Now, most women would be THRILLED to not have to deal with such a monthly nuisance.  Personally, I prefer it to the week to two week long anxiety accompanying the $15 pregnancy test fee.  The stress involved in thinking I might be pregnant over and over and over itself is reason enough to miss such a widely hated condition.   The testing cost isn't exactly thrilling either.  So I went to the doctors.

My doctor, who delivered Lilli, said it probably had to do with my birth control.  She also said that due to my previous issues with placenta accreta with my first pregnancy, I could end up with fertility issues in the future.  The doctor said that the likelihood of the placenta accreta and hemorrhaging  at birth occurring again is pretty high.  The doctor suggested trying again soon, while my body is still young, because it will be able to handle the pregnancy better than when I am older or even in a few years.  There is also the very high likelihood that I will have to have an hysterectomy and/or a C-section for a second child.

Nothing is promised in my situation. Things could go smoothly and everything turn out to be normal the second time around.... but it could go just as wrong as the first time. I'm not really sure how I feel about all of this information, I still need to digest everything.  While we're not ready to try for number two just yet, I have to admit, the thought of not being able to have another child is sad.  I'm beyond blessed with my one amazing, beautiful, wonderful child.  If that's all that is in store for me, so be it.  I can't really question it since the first one almost killed me. There is a lot to consider, I'm sure I'll have more to say on this as time goes by, but for now I'm a little lost for words.

"Song of the Entry"
Family Time by Ziggy Marley (with Judah Marley)

New year, old traditions

It was bound to happen, it happens every year. Someone was going to get sick by the time they let Dick Clark read the teleprompter for ten minutes before putting him away until next year. We assumed it would be the dog, he has been having quite a few issues recently, so it took us by surprise when I came down with a fever and a pretty bad case of strep throat. I spent New Years Day in the only doctor's office that was opened, trying to keep my head up and fever down. Dave spent the next three days of his vacation taking care of Lilli and the everyday stuff that comes up. And I spent it stuck in bed, barely able to hold a conversation.

It'd been two years since I had been really sick. Sick to the point where I couldn't get out of bed and medicine didn't seem to help anything. Worst yet, I had not taken any medicine other than Tylenol and Benedryl since before I had become pregnant. My body was not happy. It took longer to get well than I had expected and it frustrated me (and Dave as well, I'm sure).

So here we are six days after the clock gave way to another 12 months of change. No blog post since Christmas, behind in everything from days-worth of work to the pile of bills and paperwork to piles laundry and more flagged emails than I can handle. I'm not one of those people that looks forward to the new year with great expectations, it's just another day of numbers changing on a calendar. We don't do a big celebration, we don't go crazy when the ball drops, and it's a struggle to stay up that late these days. However, I look at any transition as an opportunity to better any situation and re-evaluate life. So even though it's the 6th, life has fallen behind schedule, and I'm still on the mend, there's no excuse for not trying to make something better by setting goals for myself.

Let's not call these new years resolutions. Let's call them: thing's I'd like to work on to make my life better... that just so happen to fall around the time of the year that people happen to also make such changes... or at least make an attempt at changing something in their lives. Here we go:

1 - The obvious one that everyone makes... work out more. Getting to the gym two times a week is a hell of a lot harder than you'd think. At least for me, my motivation hits a high when it's inopportune and a low at the perfect time. Three months 'til a wedding, time to get it together.

2 - Be more decisive. I am extremely indecisive, I make quick decisions under pressure then later regret it. What to eat for dinner, where to go this weekend, whether or not to start a project now or later, or which outfit to wear today. Dave is also indecisive and so we spend a lot of time deciding instead of doing, I can't ask someone else to change for the sake of my bad habits. It's time to take control and stop teetering my scales with pros and cons. Time to look at situations as a whole and figure out what is best without questioning myself.

3 - Better my posture. This is MUCH harder than I thought. It's something I have been working on for months, so I guess it's not really a NEW resolution, but it's something I want to continue to work on for myself. Unfortunately, crouching down to chase a toddler all day takes it's toll on progress. Maybe by the time she's 5 and taller...

And now back to regular scheduled blogging. Happy new decade!

"Song of the Entry"

Willow Tree by Chad Vangaalen

12 month appt

I wasn't looking forward to the 12 month well appointment. The probing questions and advice session, that hardly seemed professional, last time makes me less confident this time. For her 9 month appointment, I went overly confident, maybe even proud of our little girl. She was walking way before most kids, she was starting to sign and gesture, and most of all she was healthy. Then I got kicked in the stomach and felt like a bad parent for a few days.

My plan was to try not to think about the appointment and focus on being the best parent I possibly can be every single day. And I feel as though I accomplished my goal, to a point. I won't lie, it definitely bothered me up until the second it ended, but I curbed my anxiety and focused on the important things.

We saw a different doctor this time, one without a thick accent I couldn't understand fully. She came in, asked the normal questions, read off Lilli's measurements the assistant took right before, asked us about her diet, talk to us about flu vaccinations, asked if we had questions (which we always do), and that was that. No questions about our relationship, no comments about our parenting styles, and no accusing eyes about both of us being there for her appointment. So needless to say, we have a new doctor preference. Winner.

For shits and giggles, Lilli's measurement results:
Height: 30 inches (78%, holy tall!)
Weight: 18 lbs 15.04 oz (16%, and now Dave is trying to feed her non-stop)
Head: 18 inches (69%, big old head to contain all of those devilish ideas)

9 month Appointment disaster

Worst. Morning. Ever. Lilli had her 9m appt. this morning. The Dr. basically told me I nurse her too often, she's should sleep in the hallway, that we're going to get a divorce because we don't go on dates (partially because we don't have any money to), and that she's going to be a 2 year old nursing. Then went on to tell us how much she hates to see that. The whole time giving us very judging looks. Said to not give her any juice, when the last doctor told us to give her some with water. Didn't know her blood type when I asked. Didn't seem to care (or ask for that matter) about her clogged tear duct.

I went in there thinking "this is awesome, she's so healthy and is doing so much. she's going to breeze through this appt." I left thinking I was a bad mother, a worse wife and like someone just punched me in the face.

I have to process everything that just happened before I decide what we're going to do next. But yeah, that sucked. And I really like the pediatricians usually, but I guess we don't see this one lady very often. I can be pretty sure we'll never see her again. At least not unless she's the only person available. But seriously, WTF?

Since when is it the pediatricians job to comment on their patient's parent's relationship. It's interesting, Dave's a VERY involved father, he's very attentive and caring. He knows everything that goes on in her day, especially since I tell him all day long. But they always seem so surprised/impressed by how much he knows when they ask questions. *

On a more positive note... today (ok after midnight yesterday) Lilli began shaking her head "no." I'm not sure she knows why she's shaking it because just now she shook it to "Yo-ho-yo-ho it's a pirates life for me!" However, at lunch she shook her head no at her peaches and when I put it on a fork for her she picked it up and waved bye-bye to it... so maybe she does understand the concept. And I'm pretty sure she's made up her own sign for "all done", it's getting close. YAY BABY! :::proud:::

*edited from an email to Alison.;)