Just a Mom?

Recently, insecurity crept into my thoughts about my level of commitment to raising my kid.  It all started after watching a TV episode dealing with a mom trying not to tell stories about her baby.  She said she never wanted to become that woman that is only a mom. It ended in her ranting about her kid non-stop and everyone else getting annoyed. I started to notice how often I am that mom...

We spend the better part of our day's together, just the two of us. It's hard not to talk about it, since that IS my day.  I enjoy doing everything we do together. I post pictures of mostly her, I tell stories about her, I spend almost all of my time dedicated to making sure she's getting the best out of life.  The news I read is typically either parenting or psychology related. All in an effort to ensure I'm doing the absolute best job I can raising our daughter. I eat, breath and sleep my kid. Was I just a mom? Is that all that there is to me any more? Does it drive people crazy?!

This self doubt was making me a little self conscious. While it was eating me up inside, I started thinking about what it was I was missing out on... Honestly, I didn't feel like I was... I am learning about the world all over again, from a completely different angle.  Having a hand in teaching someone how to navigate life seems like such an incredible opportunity for study. And, really, I don't care if anyone else thinks of me as just a mom.  I know better.

We never miss an opportunity to do something new together, whether we go hiking, on an adventure, to a park, or the beach.  All things that make me who I am, I choose to share them with my family.  The time we spend together makes our lives better. I ache when we're all apart.

I don't knock any mom that doesn't get to spend as much time with their families.  I am more often jealous of how they spend their time, and I'm sure they are jealous of how I spend mine. Everyone becomes insecure in their roles in life from time to time.  For a brief moment I forgot that I chose this life, the most important thing is that it makes me happy. It doesn't matter to me if other people think, I've found myself here for a reason.

The Hole

It's become somewhat of a tradition, with our many trips to the beach recently, to dig the best hole ever. We've been going every other week or two, trying to out run the oil washing up on the Florida coastline.  It's so sad to think that she, most likely. not remember the beaches of Florida the way it is now.  Worse yet, that this ecosystem is going to dramatically change for the worse over her lifetime. We've been going to all of the beaches we've always wanted to see, our favorites, and even ones we haven't visited in a very long time.  Hoping to at least have some photos to show her, when she's older, of what it was like when she was a kid.

Once we're set up, Dave and Lilli go to work on digging a hole.

Love. 

"Song of the Entry" 

Hermit (F.Y.P. Cover) by Dios Malos

Busch Gardens: part 2

As an added incentive of going on our adventures, we usually give in when it comes to the snack department.  Dave and I have always been a sucker for sweets, though we've gotten much better since having a child.  One of Lilli's favorite things is "cream!" Ice cream, whipped cream, even sour cream. She will pull apart a taco just to get to the cream and won't touch the rest of it until every drop has been consumed.

And just for the record, she only ate the very top of that huge cup of pudding and only after eating chicken, carrots and fruit. 

"Song of the Entry" 

Rhinocirrhosis by Bikinians

Busch Gardens: part 1

Recently, Dave made a case for purchasing season passes to Busch Gardens/Adventure Island. Since we're state residents, we get a pretty nice discount.  I have to say, at first, I was seriously against dropping so much money for something "fun" when we have so many other things we could use.  However, he spent a good part of two days trying to convince me that it was the best idea he's ever had.  Apparently, Dave has very fond memories of water and amusement parks from when he was a kid and wanted to share those moments with Lilli.  Who can argue that? I couldn't... I tried.  A lot. And after too many days of the same argument, I decided that this obviously was important to him, so I gave in and by the next morning he had the passes printed and our bags packed.

Over the past month and a half we have gone every weekend to one park or the other.  Lilli has a blast every single time.  She exhausts herself to the point where she passes out in the car before we even get out of the lot.  I'd say we got our money's worth, for sure.

As a result of our many trips, we've had to deal with a major "letting go" moment.  We've had the joy of experiencing this moment over and over since beginning our weekend adventures.  Putting Lilli on a ride... by. her. self. Seriously?!?! My baby!? ALONE! ON A RIDE! The park has a few rides specifically for kids her size, but still, the vision of seeing her sitting on a swing alone sent panic through my heart.  Then the ride started... My panic turned into fear, then pride, then sadness. My baby is not a baby.  She hasn't been for a while now, but this...

This was hard to swallow. She rode the swings, the train, the motorcycles, and the airplanes.  All alone. All grown into a child before my very eyes.  She still likes to ride with us, thank goodness. I think if she started the teenage years early my heart would turn to pieces.  

Although it breaks my heart to see her sitting in a ride alone while we stand on the sidelines cheering and waving, it's for the best.  I almost get tears in my eyes thinking about how far she's come in such a short time.  She is so independent and adventurous it's scary.  She may not remember it, but we are spending some serious quality time together. "We're depositing so much into her emotional  bank," Dave says.  He's right.  We're having a blast doing it too. 

I take it back, Dave. Our adventures were the best investment you've ever convinced me fold on. 

"Song of the Entry" 

You Push, I'll Go by Baby Dayliner

Don't forget to stop and smell the flowers

A weekend morning walk with the family.

The haul.

Evening Walks

Summer time is here!

Almost every night, after dinner, the four of us go for a walk around our complex. 

It's one of Lilli's favorite things to do and immediately after dinner is finished, she repeats "walk?" over and over until we head out the door.  

 Recently she decided she was ready to walk Taz by herself.   

When we remember to bring some old bread or stale crackers, we feed the ducks.  They are pretty comfortable around us and Lilli can walk about two feet away before they start to waddle away. 

 Some nights it takes 15 minutes... other nights, when it starts to get dark, we have to bribe her to come home with ice cream. As soon as you say the word "cream" Lilli takes off towards home.  

5 years time

Lilli is tackling one challenge after another.  She is daring, adventurous, and curious even when it's not at her best interest. At times it's difficult to watch her struggle and not intervene to show her the way to go about something she is working on. She needs to learn how to figure things out on her own.  From her perspective, whatever it is she is struggling with, is the mountain she must climb. From learning a new word, to walking up stairs, to even simply trying to tell us what she needs or wants.  It's important that we let her try things herself, then help when we're asked.  These are the trials that will define who she will become in her life.  In life there are so many of these mountains to climb, it's important that she learns how to do things on her own, these monumental struggles are familiar to us.  


We moved to Florida 5 years ago this week. That day we packed our 17 foot moving truck filling it with our college furniture, too many boxes of things that would disappear over the years, our memories, and our lives up until that day (minus my bike that "would never fit").  Around 3 a.m., we said goodbye to two friends who decided to see us off at such a ridiculous hour.  We packed up Taz (who was only supposed to stay with us for the summer) and Sneakers (my chinchilla).  We drank some caffeine and drove away from my mom's house where we'd been staying for 8 months. 


It was scary. We left with few job prospects, enough in the bank to keep us afloat for a few months, an apartment we found online that we had never seen before and no experience with living so far away from our families and friends.  We had no idea of what we wanted out of life, but I knew Florida was the way to get there. It was all I could think about the two years leading up to that road trip.  So I convinced Dave to come with me on an adventure and away we drove.  


Twenty-four hours of driving non-stop with our car hitched to the back later, we arrived at a friend's house at in the wee hours of the morning.  Our key wouldn't be accessible until the next morning.  We slept for a few hours then got stuck in the K-turn from hell in his parking lot before arriving to our first apartment together as a couple.  I cut my finger on the hitch (a scar I look at often) trying to figure out how in the world to do a U-turn in a truck with a car attached, it took us at least an hour and a half to pull out.  


Then, finally, we arrived, opened the apartment door and took the longest sigh of relief since we had left.  Those two people that unloaded that truck on their own seem like two people from a movie to me now.  I can see them, watch their struggle, but it hardly seems like it was once our lives.  


We found jobs, Dave is still at the one he found only after a few weeks down here.  After about 4 awful temp jobs, finally I found a job I didn't have to quit. We weren't making much, we missed our families and friends, and it was really hot. I spent the first six months crying every other day, thinking we'd have to turn around and go back with our heads in our hands, the model of failure. Then something happened.... Time passed, we changed. We grew. We overcame obstacles, survived tropical storms, and took trips "home" every year until "home" was not our home anymore.  We missed weddings, births, deaths, and other major events in our family's lives.  Instead, we grew our own garden of a life here.


We lost our beloved Sneakers after a few months, she didn't take well to the new surroundings.  A few months after Taz extended his stay, he chose an orange kitten from a shelter we named Linus.  I found a wonderful job at UT where people made me feel like family.  Dave got his real estate license, I went back to school for a while.  We became a part of a community of people.  We overcame the idea of who we were and became who we are now.  

Five years later... we're parents. A role that overshadows all of the challenges we had to face to get to this point.  It's our job to let Lilli take her turn at living.  Thinking about her adventures to be had, made me realize how far we've come.  So much has changed since sitting in a moving truck outside a suburban New Jersey house that belonged to one of our parents with our punk rock posters rolled up in the back and my bike sitting in the driveway. When I ask myself, if I could, would I do it differently? I wouldn't change a thing.  Except... maybe I would have brought my bike, it totally would have fit. 


"Song of the Entry"


Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time

And though a million of these moments are just in my head
I’ll be thinking about families an’ lying in bed
And ya know that I believe it might not even come true
But in my mind I’m having a pretty good time with you.

Oh, Five years time
I might not know you,
In Five Years Time
We might not speak at all and
In Five Years Time
We might not get along
In Five Years Time
You might just prove me wrong.

Oh there’ll be,
Love Love Love
Wherever you go, There’ll be
Love Love Love

Hiking on her own

Over the past two years, we took walks in the park with a child strapped to our chest or steering clear of unpaved roads and using a stroller.  My back couldn't wait to have her walking on her own, it's tough hiking with an extra 15 pounds strapped to your front in 85+ degree weather. She was barely aware of, let alone able to participate in, her surroundings in the past.  When we took our first hike of the year, it was surprising to watch her explore without any assistance or regard to our whereabouts.

As we walked through the nature trails of one of our favorite parks, she talked about the trees, the leaves, the mud, the snakes ("Sssss!"), and the bugs (or bees as she kept calling them).

She walked ahead of us, she walked behind us, she was in her own world.  It was incredible to see such a difference from one year ago.  I suppose the fact that she's mastered walking (and running) had a lot to do with it, but still, it's incredible to see.

The only difficulties she came across were small bridges over water (which was more our trust issues than her issues) and roots sticking up in the path.   When we saw a big root coming up we'd all shout "root!" and by the end of the walk she mastered hills, roots, and mud.  She was hiking like pro.

Although it was wonderful to watch our little girl take on the great big world all by herself, I have to admit it stung a little to see her embrace her independence.  Sure she has started to dress and undress herself, she can put her shoes on (and off) on her own, she is starting to take on stairs (up and down) while we stand by nervously, but it's sad to watch her need us less and less.

We had a great day, despite the last 15 minutes that she quit walking and would only settle for "Mommy!" to hold her. Passing on something we have always really enjoy doing together and sharing it with her in a new ways was totally worth the back pain.

"Song of the Entry"

Paper Planes (cover) by The Da Vincis

Opening the door

When I wrote the Dora entry, I thought that it was a pretty funny way to end the week. Lilli started singing along to songs she recognized and we were excited to share her new talent with others. Neither of us were concerned about Lilli's speech or what she was learning from singing along to the Dora song, but it made for a funny story. I should have been aware of a potential reaction to my toddler watching television, developing a stutter, and/or mocking a beloved television character.

When I started this blog it was merely an outlet for my thoughts and ideas through out my pregnancy and now being a mother. I was going through a lot during my pregnancy and so I started writing for me, no one else. After Lilli was born, I decided to open up to the rest of my family and friends when I was inspired by others who had done the same. Recently, a wise friend told me that when you open yourself up like this and let people in, you invite their opinions and ideas. I just didn't see it coming.

Unfortunately, I am a pretty sensitive person, especially sensitive to other's judgement of my parenting. Then again, find me a mom that hasn't questioned their decisions as a mom at least once. I found myself upset and flustered (for a lack of a better word). I didn't see my sarcastic joke turning into such a debated topic and was taken back when it spiraled beyond what it was intended.

I received emails, messages, comments, text messages, etc. I started to become defensive. Then I sat back, relaxed and thought about what was really bothering me in the situation. People didn't get my joke. My sarcasm didn't translate well in print. I debated whether to make my blog private again, I started to think about censoring my topics to things that were more uncontroversial. I sat on it for a few days before deciding what I wanted.

I wanted a place to share with my family and friends. I wanted a place to say my peace uninterrupted and uncensored. I'm unapologetic for how I feel, what I think, and the way we raise our daughter. We do the best we can given our situation. We love our daughter more than anything and give her every second of our attention, which is more than most parents do these days. Our lives are not the same as anyone else's and for that reason alone I have to learn to accept other people's views. So feel free to share your thoughts and opinions, just understand this a place for me to share, vent, and document our family's life.

"Song of the Entry"

Two Atoms in a Molecule by Noah and the Whale

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

Our family wishes yours a very happy, healthy, and safe holiday.

"Song of the Entry"

No Christmas For Me by Zee Avi

Santa

We debated whether or not to take Lilli to see Santa for a few weeks. We went through a variety of excuses before we decided that we couldn't be responsible for her missing out on some of the essential traditions of being a kid. Visiting Santa is something I remembered doing as a kid and thought it was our duty as parents to include Lilli in this cultural custom.

(Trying on her Santa hat, she was in tears moments before this photo was taken)

So we dressed the little one in her Christmas dress, packed a bag of snacks and books, and headed over to the dreaded mall. We got there an hour before the end of Santa's break, so we stood at the end of a very long line of restless children and grumpy parents. I took her around the mall while Dave stood in line, we passed her back and forth trying to keep her entertained, and even bribed her content with snacks and dippin' dots ice cream.

We stood in line for two hours, and in comparison to some of the children in line, she was happy and very well behaved. Other children were crying, fighting, and destroying anything in their way. Some parents were threatening their children, other's grabbing them by their arms, yelling at them to calm down. We stood quietly, singing songs and pointing out words she did not know. At one point towards the end of our journey, Dave held her and I read her a book while a few kids gathered nearby watched over our shoulder. And then we were at the velvet rope, waving to Santa and Mrs. Claus and saying "ho, ho, ho!"

Unfortunately, that is the end of this happy story. Of course a 15 month old wants nothing to do with a grumpy, sweaty stranger a full costume. She screamed the second Dave put her down, she refused to sit on his lap and instead we got a quick picture while she stood next to them looking at mom instead of the camera.

Afterwards, I felt exhausted and found myself wondering whether this is a tradition we want to include in our family's future. Sure, it is one that I have in my memory, but Santa was also played by a family member or close family friend. Maybe next year we'll reconsider our decision to follow the cultural norms. She would have been happier to share some ice cream with us and walk around somewhere new. Next year she may be able to express her interest, or lack there of, and instead we will spend some quality time together not cattle herded into a line of screaming kids and angry parents.

Perhaps we'll change our mind when the spirit of the holidays takes over our brains and convinces us that we must participate in all that the season has to offer. Maybe next year my guilt of keeping her from the every day joys (and grief) of being a kid will overtake my sensibility and she will have a 2010 photo of her standing next to Santa looking the opposite direction of everyone else. Either way, she still steals our hearts no matter how the picture turns out.

Happy Holidays!

"Song of the Entry"

Silver Lining by Rilo Kiley

(song picked by Lilli)

Crock pot recipes

Of all the recipes I have tried, this one is the most dear to my heart. It's a variation of my grandmother's famous meatballs. Well... famous in my family. It's the main reason I wanted to have a slow cooker.

She made hers with ground beef and at the end mixed everything in a huge stock pot with spaghetti. It was the last dinner I had with her before we moved. It's the meal that my cousin, Jessi, and I talk about when we reminisce about or favorite sleepover nights when we stayed up late, played Gin and ate coffee ice cream. It is quite literally made with love and I think that's what makes it my absolute favorite of all time dinner.

Mom-mom's meatballs a'la Carrie

1 lb of ground chicken
1 egg
1/2 cup of milk
3 tbps of minced onion
1/4 tsp of cayenne pepper
3/4 of salt
pepper
garlic powder
oregano
bread crumbs
tomato sauce

-In a bowl mix ground meat, egg, milk, 1/2 cup of bread crumbs, seasoning
-Allow to sit for an hour so the bread crumbs absorb the liquid
-In the slow cooker, place the meatballs in the tomato sauce so that the tops are covered
-Cook on low for 6 hours

Serve with your favorite pasta and best smile. :)



To my daughter's namesake:
Thank you for feeding us all of your love. I was always full.
Love,
me.

"Indie Song of the Entry"
Sons & Daughters by The Nest

A mother's guilt

I grew up in a pretty big family, compared to Dave's at least. There was no shortage of mother's guilt in my life. Sometimes the guilt was used for simple things like doing the dishes and other times big things like which college to attend.

Allow me to give you an example of such a situation. Say you're busy one day that your grandmother needs a ride to the store. Your plans aren't incredibly important, but you have made a commitment to your day and changing your plans would be inconvenient. A mother's guilt is not direct, it's not obvious and it will almost always work. It starts with her mental list of other options she might have: "well, I guess I could call your brother, but he's working until 6 p.m.... I guess I could wait to pick up my creamer and just drink my coffee black. Although, that usually upsets my stomach, so I guess I could just skip coffee all together today." :::loud sigh:::

I had always resented this guilt. I never understood how someone could be so passive aggressive and yet, somehow, I felt compelled to do whatever it was that was being requested. It wasn't until I had become a mother that I understood from where this power stems.

I now understand that the mother's guilt is perfected from spending every moment of your life feeling guilty. Guilt for making a bad decision that could potentially change the course of a child's life. Guilt from spending an extra five minutes in the shower instead of playing another round of wheels on the bus. Guilt from making the husband take out the garbage when he clearly thinks isn't that bad and it could wait until tomorrow morning. Guilt from neglecting another unanswered email, that plant that's been dying for a few weeks, the piles of paperwork that needs to be filed, that pile of crumbs that has been passed over a few times but would be cleaned up when the list of to-do's was finally finished.

I don't think that these moms intentionally ever guilt-ed anyone into doing their bidding. I believe they were generally just thinking about their options aloud. Trying to find an answer to the endless stream of questions, problems and challenges that come up every single second of every single day. I believe comes from years and years of pros-cons, decision making, planning, and simply just trying to get things done efficiently.

It's difficult to run a family, a house, and the life a parent chooses without weighing all of the options. It feels like every decision you make could have a terrible consequence. (Flu shot or No flu shot? Early nap or late nap? Chicken or Pizza for dinner? Preschool or home school? Jacket or sweater? Stay here or go there?)

I think moms are good at guilt because they spend their life feeling guilty. We are just trying to find the best option for our kids and our families. We're trying to get our damn coffee so we can make it through the day.

Dear Moms in my family,
I appreciate your guilt, I love you too. Sorry I gave you so much crap, I'm happy to pick you up some creamer. Enjoy your morning coffee. :)
Love, me

"Indie Song of the Entry"

Down and Out by The Displacements

How we got here

When I turned 25 I was still struggling with my identity issues and becoming an adult while clinging on to the persona I had created for myself as a young adult. I had viewed myself as a tough chick who was far too immature to be a parent. I had barely been able to care for plants and I would tell myself "I'd probably forget to feed a kid or trip over it." And in all honesty... present time... those things both happen on a really bad day.

I had a very hard time admitting to myself that I was ready to have a baby. I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt the transition. There was a scare, I had been fairly regular my entire life and so when I was a few days late I thought for sure we were pregnant. Then the scare passed and I felt like I had lost something... But how could I have lost something? This was a relief... wasn't it?...

I struggled for a long time with this new emotion, this new urge. It went against everything I had presented myself as in my few years of being an "adult". I wasn't ready for this, was I? It took an entire year and a good friend having a baby to finally be open with my desires.

I cried. A lot. I held it in and I pretended to be the same person I always had been before this change. I lied to myself and Dave, I lied to my friends and family. "I am entirely too reckless and immature to want a child," I told myself. But the urgency of that need/want became unbearable. I couldn't hold it in anymore and finally I spilled my guts to Dave.

He took it MUCH better than I had anticipated. I think I was more disappointed in myself than he was in my change. He said something that made me feel alright about it, "I really didn't expect you to never want these things, you were bound to change in the (then) 7 years we have been together." He was right. And I had not seen it that way before.

Slowly I allowed myself to be that person I had become, to allow the mask of my formal self to slip away into my past. I had finally become the person I had set out to find on my journey from home. And most importantly, I stopped caring about the person I had pretended to be for so long. That person was living for everyone else, this new person lived for herself and her future family.

It was only the beginning of this LONG journey I am still carving into a life, but it was the most important change I've ever experience. It was the strongest urge I have ever felt in my life. The urge to be a mother.

That urge was so strong that it consumed me in ways I can not put into words. Every thing I saw, did, or felt was somehow related to this new feeling. I wanted it so bad I could feel it in my bones. It was everything.

Now, almost four years later, I can't imagine feeling that need so strongly. Perhaps it's just not the right time for me and my family, but I can't imagine ever feeling so strongly. I can't imagine ever needing another child as much as I needed Lilli. She was there that whole time, urging me to grow and move forward.

To Lilli:

Thank you for forcing me to see the person I am and not the person I wanted to be for someone else. Thank you for showing me how to grow, learn and embrace the concept of self. I love you for who ever you are and who ever you become.

-Mommy


"Indie Song of the Entry"

Shout by De Novo Dahl

Here kitty!

Lilli's new bff is our cat, Linus. I gave her a photo of him and she placed it in his bed along with her favorite toys to share. She chases him around when ever he isn't quick enough to see her coming and will stand behind him while he lays in "her" window. She has also learned to make the "pssst pssst pssst" sound and has started calling for him when he's hiding. She has learned how to "gently" pet both Linus and Taz (our dog). Both of the pets seem happy for the extra attention, but also very nervous of her quick movements and indecisive nature.

Before having Lilli, I would never have thought of this as something newsworthy enough to have in a blog entry dedicated to the topic. Sometimes it feels like I am growing as a person simply by watching her grow.



"Indie Song of the Entry"

Up All Night by Young Knives

Remembering through photos

We take a lot of pictures and videos of our "kids" (human and animal) and the places we visit. There are a few reasons for the dedication to documentation of our lives.

First, and most importantly, Lilli's life is flashing by us at such a fast speed that we want to try to recall as many memories as we are capable. It is amazing how quickly short term memories become just a flash of the past to be forgotten, our minds are just not able to retain so much information over a lifetime. Those memories are more likely to become long term ones if they're recorded and reviewed. Additionally, we'd like to be able to look back from time to time, reminisce about how tiny she was and how fast she changed. She has already grown and developed into the person she will some day become. It's alarming how quickly time has already passed by us over the past year. She changes daily, literally.

The second reason is for our family, who lives more than a few hours away. They would have missed out on the key aspects of her personality if it was not for videos of her dancing, singing, and playing. While it may seem excessive to some people, we get a lot grief when new pictures and videos are not posted quickly enough for them. And to be completely honest, we're more than happy to provide our family with more pictures than they have time to see.

Lastly, the most personal of reasons, I love pictures. Love them. Love love love love pictures. I could look at pictures for days. I love to look at them, I get excited when I order prints of pictures I've already seen, I look at almost every picture posted by my family and friends. And why the hell not? Pictures are the stories of our lives. Our story is one worth commemorating and documenting.

"Indie Song of the Entry"

Dreaming Of The Plum Trees by White Hinterland

12 month backtracking

I'd like to say I have been diligent about keeping up with my thoughts over the past month... I haven't but I have made a valid attempt, E for effort. So look for postdated posts from the past month that I have missed. So much has happened, so much to share.

Most importantly, Lilli turned one year old last week. It was such a bittersweet moment for both Dave and me. Part of us was thrilled that our little girl has grown up into such a wonderful little person. The other part is saddened that such a wonderful time in her life passed so quickly, like the blink of an eye. Just yesterday she was laying around barely noticing the world around her and today she is a running, climbing, yelling, talking little girl. No longer a baby, but not yet a kid.

We opened a new chapter all of our lives. So many things to explore, so many new things to learn and she is ready. She's a sponge of knowledge and skill, it's incredible. Monkey see, monkey do. She watches so carefully then practices, then succeeds. It's scary, wonderful, and inspiring. We look forward to the next year.

Happy Birthday Miss Pie.

separation frustrations

When we got back from our trip home, Lilli had become so clingy and yelly (yes that is a word, stupid spell check). She literally screamed when I put her down, when I went to the bathroom, when I walked out of view, when she was sad or happy or just bored. It has literally been driving me insane.

I thought about many things that could be the cause of this new issue. There were so many people picking her up and my stress in the situations probably didn't give her the right impression. She spent a lot of time apart from me for the first time, but instead of with one familiar face, she was with many unfamiliar ones. We spent the whole week chasing her around saying "NO!" Not because she was bad, but because everywhere we went was completely un-baby proofed (baby-death traps as we called them.) We cant blame anyone, practically everywhere we visited had not been in baby-mode for over 10 years. Still... it gave her anxiety and she felt trapped, I could see it. The only place she was allowed to roam was outside and even then she was monitored and ushered around.

So many reasons for this sudden constant-meltdown. We researched separation anxiety, stranger anxiety, even "baby yelling non-stop". We came up with so many theories but nothing seemed to fit.

Finally, I spent the day watching her, trying to see what triggered the episodes. Then I noticed, it had a lot to do with her space and when she was allowed to roam her space. I took down her play yard and once again opened up more space for her to play. Something I've done every few months when she learns a new skill that requires more space. I let her roam around with a close watchful eye, try not to hover over her as she explored.

At first she would come back to me every few minutes to check in or look around for my gaze and approval. Quickly the yelling became less and less. We started taking her for walks around the complex, letting her stop as she pleased to collect leaves and sticks. She was exploring without limits, well not completely unlimited.

As if over-night, she seemed to slowly ease up on her anxiety. She still has been yelling when I try and keep her from getting into dangerous situations, but its more out of frustration than extreme anxiety. As I type, she is running (yes running...) from where I sit to the other room. A happy yell. I can live with that.

home again...

I have been procrastinating this entry. I'll keep it short.

Our trip went better than expected, although, the stress from it was much more than we could have imagined. Following Lilli around from death-trap to death-trap, swiping my finger from one side of her cheeks to the other, grabbing random object after object from her unexpectedly, strong grip. It was a whirlwind of child safety lessons.

Lilli met a very large percentage of her "active" family. We had the pleasure of seeing her interact with her newborn cousin and once again meeting a friend just 10 months older. She was wonderful with both of them, to our surprise. After the 4th of July experience (when a 3 yr old tried to hug her and was met with a forceful push), we were a bit wary.

She was passed from one aunt, uncle, grandparent, great grandparent, etc. to another over and over. Squirming her best to get down to show off her walking abilities. She met two great-grand parents, some uncles and aunts, and plenty of new dog friends.

With the exception of a few schedule-disruption-induced meltdowns, she did fairly well with all of the strangers. I think she felt my tension, it seemed to correlate with her moods.

There was one particular point when we were standing next to a photo we also have in our house, she noticed the person in the photo was sitting in the room. We named the person, then pointed at him, back and forth. She looked from one to the other and then erupted into hysterics. Taking names and making connections.

Big ole' shout out to my brother, Dan, his wife, Becki, and their new daughter Basil Isabella. Congratulations guys!

road trip!

We are soon departing on the most intense road trip of our lives. Another tradition I hope to become a staple of our family. We were a road-tripping couple and I hope to be a road-tripping family. I have lists that could seriously put me in the running for "best list keeper of all time." We have tried to anticipate anything we could imagine, yet we feel completely unprepared. A reminder of the days right before Lilli was born.

It's funny how that feeling of control in our parenting goes from completely stable to erratic in a matter of moments. These are the moments that will define us as parents. I look forward to the challenge and expect us to find our way home again like we always have done.

Hopefully I will come back with some words of wisdom and stories of experiences we had in our adventure. Here's to hoping.

Side note: Good luck to my brother, Dan, and sister-in-law, Becki. They're fast approaching the family shift of +1. You guys will do great.