books vs instinct

When we became pregnant, I was still in classes studying to get my second BS in Psychology. I stopped taking classes soon after because I was simply exhausted working full-time with school. I don't regret it for a minute. We spent the next 31 weeks reading every book we could find that would prepare us for the pregnancy and then first months.

I could recite the most important information, the rest Dave could fill in for me without a second thought. We took the classes, we made lists, we prepared beyond preparation is necessary. But at the end of it all, my instincts proved to be more important than any book or webpage.

The preparation sure helped when all hell broke loose at her birth. Now that we're slowly making our way into toddler-dom, I find myself questioning whether the next installment of books are worth my time.

I will probably read anything we can find on the next year, but I think I'll find some time to read something other than a child-raising book or magazine. Which was more important? Knowledge from books or wisdom from instinct? I am torn.

where is pointer?

Today Lilli learned how to point. This seems like such a simple, natural progression of communication. I assure you, watching your tiny helpless newborn go from random expressions to being able to tell you what she is talking about without words, is beyond words.

The most basic of signals, we take for granted all too often. To point is to say "I want that." Suddenly it's as if she is telling me a story. Why she wants something, what it is to her, and where she wants to go. All things I had, up until now, guessed at when she would express her frustrations.

Now I can ask "what do you need, Lilli?" We take walks and she points out the things that interest her, things that I can now identify with a word. It's nothing short of incredible.

Her world has been blown wide open. I find this adventure just as much mine as it is hers. Like exploring my world all over again from a tiny perspective of innocence and curiosity.

road trip!

We are soon departing on the most intense road trip of our lives. Another tradition I hope to become a staple of our family. We were a road-tripping couple and I hope to be a road-tripping family. I have lists that could seriously put me in the running for "best list keeper of all time." We have tried to anticipate anything we could imagine, yet we feel completely unprepared. A reminder of the days right before Lilli was born.

It's funny how that feeling of control in our parenting goes from completely stable to erratic in a matter of moments. These are the moments that will define us as parents. I look forward to the challenge and expect us to find our way home again like we always have done.

Hopefully I will come back with some words of wisdom and stories of experiences we had in our adventure. Here's to hoping.

Side note: Good luck to my brother, Dan, and sister-in-law, Becki. They're fast approaching the family shift of +1. You guys will do great.

the awful truth

When I was pregnant there was a long list of things we will never do with our baby. No TV, I had done research on it for a class project and concluded that quality time was better for baby's development. No co-sleeping, it's our bed not a family bed. No juice, sugar, or other things that make life grand.

Fast forward a year or so, here is the awful truth about my decisions. She has favorite characters and shows and can I get an hour or so of work or housework done during an already hectic day. She isn't any less loved or far behind in ters development. If anything she has learned a lot from these educational programs. They teach her colors, counting, logical thinking, music, social skills, and long list of other things that I don't believe do any harm. I admit that I look forward to watching shows with her most of the time. We sit and sing the songs, answer the character's audience questions, we talk about what is happening. So does that counter the quality time issue. For the sake of my guilt, I say yes.

Lilli make her way into our bed every night and I miss her when she isn't there next to me. I have been sleeping better and she isn't waking up in full on scream-mode every night. Dave and I both look forward to the morning when she cuddles up next to us before we start our days. We don't think it hurts our relationship, we find time for ourselves. Even if that means we look at nap time like the holy mecca of mommy/daddy time.

I will admit she drinks juice, I have snuck her a taste of my cherry ICEE, she has tasted sugar and I don't feel bad about it. These are the things that make being a kid so much fun. Looking forward to treats and sharing them with people you love. Besides, Dave and I have always been the "cakes and pies!" type couple, LONG before Lilli was in the picture.

There is this unspoken guilt that society (and over baring people) have inflicted on us to be secretive about what really goes on in your real life. So here is my awful truth, I love my daughter and she is a health and happy little girl. I will not feel the guilt anyone tries to place on me for my decisions on how to raise my family. To each their own, just leave ours alone.

traditions

When I was little, my mom used to take us to the fireworks down at the Art Museum or Penn's Landing in Philly. We would watch them all together after walking miles from the car in the hot, garbage-smelling city. Some times my aunt and uncle would come with their kids too, totaling 8 kids at times. The kids would cry for glow necklaces and junk food, the parents yelled to stay together and hold hands crossing the street, and everyone was mad at each other for some reason or another. That is until the beautiful lights in the sky distracted us from the aggravation of family time in the big crowds of the city. Then suddenly, as if by magic, all the negativity lifted and we would all sit together on an itchy, ugly (sorry mom), red wool blanket from the car. And afterward, we would go get ice cream and everyone would go home happy.

Today, I still tear up at the sight of fireworks (and rainbows). Now that we have a family of our own, we've made an attempt to start making our own family memories. Granted, it's only been 10 months of creation so I guess in all technicality, they're not traditions until we do it more than once... But this is the foundation for our future.

This year we are going to attempt to see some fireworks, that start past her bedtime, and then we'll go get some frozen yogurt. (One month and two weeks until ice cream!!!). I'm nervous to see whether she holds her ears and cry like Nick, point and smile like Jessi and I, or fall asleep in the car before we even make it out of the car like Tyler. I think even if Dave and I end up eating ice cream in the parking lot while she sleeps, we'll feel as if we started our own traditions.

From this year forth, we're creating her childhood memories. Maybe some day Lilli will talk about the memory of our family spending time smooshed on an itchy blanket watching the beautiful light show in the sky.

hugs

Today Lilli stood up across the room, looked at me with a smile, ran over and threw her arms around me and squeezed. She just laid there for a minute. I got choked up. :)

rediscoveries

Just some things I've had the pleasure of discovering or rediscovering since becoming a mom:

- fruit cheerios
- every kid song I could have possibly ever heard thanks to music-dad
- cartoons (well... pre-school ones in addition to my regular scheduled programing)
- dancing like no one is watching
- kid games like london bridges, ring around the rosey (which creeps me out now because I know it's about death), and itsy bitsy spider
- kixx
- goldfish
- the basic food pyramid
- the most incredible gift of learning
- animal sounds
- sign language
- going places to just look at new things
- family cuddling on a weekend morning

:)

closet review

Every few months I have to go through all of Lilli's clothes and re-evaluate what fits, which things go in the memory box, what is passed on, or kept if there's a next one. It always makes me a little sad to see the tiny clothes go, each time getting closer to toddler status.

I won't lie, I keep some things and force her to wear them just one more time.

Looking back

When I was pregnant with Lilli I had plenty of strange and vivid pregnancy dreams. Once I dreamt that Ben Affleck was coming to get me because I had evidence that he killed J. Lo... Seriously... I woke up a little scared of Ben Affleck.

I had two notably vivid dreams, one about the baby that was growing inside of me and the other was a nightmare. Like most vivid pregnancy dreams, I chalked it up to hormones. (I mean, come on... Holden McNeil wouldn't do that.)

The first one took place at my grandparent's house, the one place that is the center of all of our lives. I was standing in the dining room with my family and a little girl who looked JUST like me, about two years old with glasses, stood beside me. At the time we didn't know the sex of the baby, but I felt like my body/mind was telling me something. Although, I chose to ignore it.

The second one was scary... I was leaving someone's house in a not-so-nice area of Philly and trying to put the baby in the car. I felt uneasy and nervous the whole time, like someone was watching me. Suddenly, someone came up to the car and tried to carjack us. When I tried to protect the baby, BANG! I was shot in the head...

Right?!? Scary stuff! The dream literally went black. Like a light shut off. And I woke up in such a panic, it seemed so real, the light going off... that had never happened in my dreams before. It was like the end of the film abruptly ran out. And now I wonder if it was telling me something about what was to come at her birth...

Sometimes it scares me to think that I may have predicted something yet to come. Either way... looking back, it still makes me uneasy and once in a while I have to turn off a Ben Affleck flick.

Mommy voice

For the first time since becoming a mother I have had to use my best version I could muster up of my "mommy voice." Lilli has ventured into the daring world of being a toddler and as parents this means stern looks and lots of "not for babies!" Since we have had lots of practice from being pet owners, I thought the transition would be easy... that is until I saw that smirk... A smirk I have become all too familiar with over the nine years with my beloved punk ass husband.

Now don't get me wrong, I love him for it. He's got the biggest tell I've ever seen. A big "THANK YOU" to my MIL for telling me about it once. He smiles when he's done something wrong or is thinking of something kind of terrible, it's adorable and infuriating. We call it "the passion." The stuff that makes me crazy about him makes me love him so much. And now... it's been passed on to my little girl.

It's not quite a smile, just this sideways smirk that seems to say "I do what I want and I love it!" She is testing her boundaries and our patience. Whether it is pulling on the curtains to see how far they'll go, trying with all of her tiny hand's might to remove the electric socket covers, or trying to escape her play area (aka our entire living space) she is learning too fast for our sanity.

I don't look forward to the first time I have to use the middle name or her first grounding. However... I do enjoy watching her learn, even during the dangerous times. She seems to be watching everything at once, testing every surface, texture, color, smell, sight, and of course... flavor.

I know what we're in for... between my out-going personality and Dave's passion and endless talents, she's going to turn into quite an interesting person. Watching it develop is the most wonderful gift life has ever given me.