Opening the door

When I wrote the Dora entry, I thought that it was a pretty funny way to end the week. Lilli started singing along to songs she recognized and we were excited to share her new talent with others. Neither of us were concerned about Lilli's speech or what she was learning from singing along to the Dora song, but it made for a funny story. I should have been aware of a potential reaction to my toddler watching television, developing a stutter, and/or mocking a beloved television character.

When I started this blog it was merely an outlet for my thoughts and ideas through out my pregnancy and now being a mother. I was going through a lot during my pregnancy and so I started writing for me, no one else. After Lilli was born, I decided to open up to the rest of my family and friends when I was inspired by others who had done the same. Recently, a wise friend told me that when you open yourself up like this and let people in, you invite their opinions and ideas. I just didn't see it coming.

Unfortunately, I am a pretty sensitive person, especially sensitive to other's judgement of my parenting. Then again, find me a mom that hasn't questioned their decisions as a mom at least once. I found myself upset and flustered (for a lack of a better word). I didn't see my sarcastic joke turning into such a debated topic and was taken back when it spiraled beyond what it was intended.

I received emails, messages, comments, text messages, etc. I started to become defensive. Then I sat back, relaxed and thought about what was really bothering me in the situation. People didn't get my joke. My sarcasm didn't translate well in print. I debated whether to make my blog private again, I started to think about censoring my topics to things that were more uncontroversial. I sat on it for a few days before deciding what I wanted.

I wanted a place to share with my family and friends. I wanted a place to say my peace uninterrupted and uncensored. I'm unapologetic for how I feel, what I think, and the way we raise our daughter. We do the best we can given our situation. We love our daughter more than anything and give her every second of our attention, which is more than most parents do these days. Our lives are not the same as anyone else's and for that reason alone I have to learn to accept other people's views. So feel free to share your thoughts and opinions, just understand this a place for me to share, vent, and document our family's life.

"Song of the Entry"

Two Atoms in a Molecule by Noah and the Whale

No eye contact!

Normal conversation is not easy these days. It's nearly impossible to keep eye contact during a conversation with an adult while watching the Lil' one. It's not that I'm not listening or that I don't care, it's that if I take my eyes off of her for even one second, that will be the time that she swallows a button or falls in the pool. Sometimes I wonder if people take it personally or notice my lack concentration at all.

I have always considered myself socially awkward. I have made a few friends over time that can relate. Some have dealt with similar situations, some are just quirky like me, and some are just understanding people that relate to others well. Now, I'm not only awkward in general, but I am distracted from the situation. Not paying close enough attention to realize what happened until after the fact. It's much later that I realize all I can remember is when Lilli almost smashed her head into a chair leg.

Perhaps it will get easier, when she'e gets older and I don't have to monitor every move she makes. I'll be able to talk to another adult and actually recall what we talked about the next time I see them. Until then, everything is a hazy memory of a conversation I might have had clouded by many shouts of "Don't touch that! Get that out of your mouth! Be careful, you're going to hurt yourself!"

"Song of the Entry"

Coconut Skins by Damien Rice

Damn you, Dora!

We're not against television in our family. I'm not ashamed of it, I love to watch TV with Lilli. We sing songs and talk about what's going on and the characters. I point out things she knows and related them to whatever she has picked up that week. She learns a lot and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we interact with her, it's a tool not a babysitter.

However, once in a while we read about something that turns us off to a show. For example, Curious George teaches children how to misbehave by saying it's o.k. because he's a monkey. We monitor what she watches, we pay close attention to what she is picking up and try very hard to ensure that she's not being exposed to anything we wouldn't want to teach her ourselves.

Her favorite part of a show is the introduction song. Most of the time she will sing the song and not pay any attention to the rest of the show unless there's singing involved. She has recently started "singing" along with anything she recognizes, whether it be a song we sing together or a theme song on a show, she tries to mimic the sounds of the song. Of course most of the time they sound nothing alike, but it's adorable.

Her (and my) favorite show is Sesame Street. She loves Elmo and will stop dead in her tracks if she hears an Elmo song. She also watches Nick Jr. and Sprout from time to time. I'm not a huge fan of all of the shows she enjoys, to be honest I turn them off if I can't take any more. Dora was never a favorite of mine, but it's on right before bed and gives us an opportunity to clean up after dinner, get her pj's on, put away all of the day's toys, etc. She learned the word "backpack" and she has a Dora and Boot's tub toy that she learned how to "wash" while we wash her. All great learning tools... right?

Well, for those of you who have not heard the theme song to Dora:

Please note the "D-D-D-Dora" part... Dora the Explorer has taught my daughter to stutter. Needless to say, Dora is off of the regularly viewed programming list. Lesson learned.

"Song of the Entry"

Long Gone by Fourth of July

New year, old traditions

It was bound to happen, it happens every year. Someone was going to get sick by the time they let Dick Clark read the teleprompter for ten minutes before putting him away until next year. We assumed it would be the dog, he has been having quite a few issues recently, so it took us by surprise when I came down with a fever and a pretty bad case of strep throat. I spent New Years Day in the only doctor's office that was opened, trying to keep my head up and fever down. Dave spent the next three days of his vacation taking care of Lilli and the everyday stuff that comes up. And I spent it stuck in bed, barely able to hold a conversation.

It'd been two years since I had been really sick. Sick to the point where I couldn't get out of bed and medicine didn't seem to help anything. Worst yet, I had not taken any medicine other than Tylenol and Benedryl since before I had become pregnant. My body was not happy. It took longer to get well than I had expected and it frustrated me (and Dave as well, I'm sure).

So here we are six days after the clock gave way to another 12 months of change. No blog post since Christmas, behind in everything from days-worth of work to the pile of bills and paperwork to piles laundry and more flagged emails than I can handle. I'm not one of those people that looks forward to the new year with great expectations, it's just another day of numbers changing on a calendar. We don't do a big celebration, we don't go crazy when the ball drops, and it's a struggle to stay up that late these days. However, I look at any transition as an opportunity to better any situation and re-evaluate life. So even though it's the 6th, life has fallen behind schedule, and I'm still on the mend, there's no excuse for not trying to make something better by setting goals for myself.

Let's not call these new years resolutions. Let's call them: thing's I'd like to work on to make my life better... that just so happen to fall around the time of the year that people happen to also make such changes... or at least make an attempt at changing something in their lives. Here we go:

1 - The obvious one that everyone makes... work out more. Getting to the gym two times a week is a hell of a lot harder than you'd think. At least for me, my motivation hits a high when it's inopportune and a low at the perfect time. Three months 'til a wedding, time to get it together.

2 - Be more decisive. I am extremely indecisive, I make quick decisions under pressure then later regret it. What to eat for dinner, where to go this weekend, whether or not to start a project now or later, or which outfit to wear today. Dave is also indecisive and so we spend a lot of time deciding instead of doing, I can't ask someone else to change for the sake of my bad habits. It's time to take control and stop teetering my scales with pros and cons. Time to look at situations as a whole and figure out what is best without questioning myself.

3 - Better my posture. This is MUCH harder than I thought. It's something I have been working on for months, so I guess it's not really a NEW resolution, but it's something I want to continue to work on for myself. Unfortunately, crouching down to chase a toddler all day takes it's toll on progress. Maybe by the time she's 5 and taller...

And now back to regular scheduled blogging. Happy new decade!

"Song of the Entry"

Willow Tree by Chad Vangaalen

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

Our family wishes yours a very happy, healthy, and safe holiday.

"Song of the Entry"

No Christmas For Me by Zee Avi

Fever

New years eve 2008-09 was the last time Lilli was sick or had a fever. We spent our New Years Eve relaxing since we were new parents, we didn't have any extravagant plans. Around 1 a.m. we realized the thrill of waiting up for the ball to drop was unnecessary and we went to bed. Within a half an hour we were woken up by a hysterical five month old. The next three days were scary and exhausting. We called our doctor every time our concerns became too overwhelming to handle on our own. It all seems like a lifetime ago.

She has had her share of bumps and bruises, considering she's genetically prone to clumsiness, but since the day we took her out of daycare she has rarely had even a stuffy nose. We've been lucky enough to avoid an ear infection, stomach virus, and colds. Mostly, when she feels sick, it's related to her teething but never more than a low-grade fever.

Last week she was pushing through three or four molars. She was miserable, whiny, and very clingy, just not usual spunky self. She had her usual low-grade fever for a day or so before the worst of it kicked in. Once again she waited until the wee hours of the morning, we were awoken by screams of pain and restlessness. However, this time she was much more capable of expressing her discomfort.

Being able to express herself was something I looked forward to in situations like this one. Finally, we'd be able to comfort her if we knew what she needed. Boy, was I wrong. She was able to express her pain, but it did not help anything. Being able to express herself only made her thrash about, cry, and generally dislike the world with more intensity. We still felt helpless, exhausted, and scared.

When her fever hit 103+ around 3 a.m., we panicked, she had never been this sick before now. I spent the rest of the night sleeping sitting up with a steaming hot toddler nestled into my chest. Every time I tried to move, she woke up in hysterics. When the doctors office opened we called and they suggested we keep doing everything we had been doing. This just made us feel worse for our little girl who was obviously unhappy. It went on for another day or so before she started to feel better and those pesky molars poked through ready to chew on anything in sight.

I felt the same as I had the first time she was sick, helpless. More than anything, we wanted to make her feel better. It seemed like the only thing that would make anything better was love, Tylenol and patience. I suppose that as she gets older, the sicknesses won't become any easier. The guilt and sadness a parent feels for their sick child never changes. The love and comfort they need to feel better never goes away. No matter how much medicine you give your child, the thing they want most is you.

"Song of the Entry"

Mystery by Clint Brown

Banana

This morning I thought I'd share with you one of Lilli's favorite songs. She sings "Nana! Nana!" and insists you join her every time she sees a banana.

Happy Monday!

The Aggrolites - Banana (Yo Gabba Gabba!)

WTF | MySpace Video

Banana by The Aggrolites

Shy or just overwhelmed

This week Lilli and I went to a Christmas party at my old place of employment. It's wonderful to be able to visit and still feel like a part of the group. My old co-workers are fantastic people and it is always a great time when I get the chance to spend some time with them. Lilli is lucky to have them in her life, considering she sees them more than she sees her extended family.

Usually quite a ham, Lilli surprised me when she didn't speak much or put on her usual "look at what I can do" -dance. She signed a lot and rarely spoke her usual full words. She usually loves being the center of attention and will pull you away from whatever is distracting you from more important things... mainly participating in whatever she is doing.

Perhaps she was distracted and overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people trying to hold her, watch her, talk to her, or simply just engage her in some sort of interaction. It's highly unlikely she was just being shy. On the other hand, Dave isn't really a "talker" in most situations. It's not that he's shy, it's just part of his personality. The ying to my yang. It's hard to get a word in when you're married to someone like me, unless you get a little whiskey in him... :)

On the other side of the spectrum, we were playing at the playground with a brother and sister earlier in the week and she seemed to blend into the situation very well. The two kids were very sweet and played very nicely with her, leading her around and showing her how to play pretend. I noticed quite a change since the 4th of July hug that ended in rejection. She even let both of them hold her hand and hug her goodbye when they were leaving.

The situations were very different, but it made me wonder about Lilli's personality, which side of the outgoing/shy line she will fall on. She's already exhibited mostly extroverted personality attributes, but since her personality is still developing, you never know where she'll end up by the time her personality stabilizes. I find it very interesting, watching her personality develop. I pay close attention to how she reacts in situations. My very own psychological science experiment.

"Song of the Entry"

Body by Mother Mother

Play-doh

Since I am a work-at-home mom, some days I find myself grabbing at straws (often, literally) trying to find activities to entertain my 16 month old. Some days we color, go to the park, take long walks, feed the ducks, build towers, or play dress up. However, my toddler's 20 minute attention span is hard to keep up with most days. I try to keep a flexible schedule and find new things to expand her experiences.

Lilli loves to watch us cook, she especially likes to see and touch each ingredient. Sometimes, it seems, that she is more open to trying new foods if she watches it being made from it's parts. So last week we made homemade play-doh and a huge mess.

At first, Lilli just looked from the lumps of dough and then to me with curious eyes. She seemed afraid to get messy, which isn't surprising since she's a pretty tidy kid. So I had to take things into my own hands. I made my best Elmo replica, letters of the alphabet and a few other recognizable animals and slowly she became interested. It took some coaxing and plenty of explaining that it was alright to get a little messy, but by the end of the day she was elbow deep in exploration.

Though I shouldn't have been, I was surprised that she was more interested in the texture and composition of the dough rather than creating something from it. She squeezed it between her tiny fingers, made tiny crumbs, and mashed lumps of dough with all of her might. While clean up was less than fun for me, it was worth the experience for the both of us. Since I love crafts, it feels like this is the beginning of an exciting new phase of being a mom. I finally am starting to teach her something I truly enjoy, a part of myself that she wasn't able to with me before now. It will be a little while before we're doing sewing projects or making jewelry together, but this beginning is inspiring and exciting.

"Song of the Entry"

Abacus by Fionn Regan

(song and blog go out to Aunt Meghan for her play-doh recipe and awesomeness)