11 month pretend

The past few days Lilli has begun walking around with her stuffed babies and animals. Not much new there, but something has changed. She has started to rock them back and forth, making the "aww aww" sound as she walks around in circles with them.

She has started to use her everyday toys as other things, like a cup as a phone or pretend-eating her favorite play food. She holds conversations with her dolls and the pets and she tries to use her toys as tools in well thought out plans. Pretend has opened up her world, yet again.

sleep!

The other day I sat in the rocker with my baby girl, trying to put her down for a nap. She was exhausted but refused to fall asleep in my arms, like every other day. I'm not proud of it, but as I'm sure I've said before, I don't think letting her scream her head off for hours on end is really the best route for us. This time, however, she was dead set against falling asleep. She'd doze in and out and then start crying at her frustration. I was still a little sick (ie: the blogging absence) and just couldn't figure out what to do. In my haze, I set her down in her crib and walked away for a few minutes to gather my thoughts.

She cried, but not the normal scream-until-she-chokes-on-her-own-tears crying. So after a few moments, I went in and said "Lilli, I know you're sleepy. If you need anything Mommy will be right outside. I love you, baby." I kissed her head, laid her down and walked away... leaving the door open and monitor on. I sat in the living room, with my fingers pinching the top of my nose, trying to figure out what to do next. I couldn't possibly nurse her anymore, it was making me sick to my stomach from the emptiness and sucking combination. I felt guilty and sad. Suddenly... she stopped... she was quiet.

I grabbed a mirror from the other room and sneakily wrapped it around the door frame... she was laying down... she wasn't even whimpering... What just happened?!? I gave it another few minutes to be sure, went in to check, holding my breath. She was asleep!!! She put her self to sleep! O.K... fluke... It had to be.

Last night, a day after the last time, she again nursed and was ready to get down and cry again. I knew she was sleepy, just not allowing herself to fall into slumber. This time Dave was home, for some reason this makes me feel more guilty for letting her cry. Like if it's hurting him as much as it hurts me, I have to make it stop for everyone's sake! He went outside to take care of our plants and I sat inside, fingers pinching my nose again. After 5 minutes, I went in to reassure her. Waited another 10 minutes and within 5 minutes she was fast asleep! It worked!!!

I'm not saying I'll give up the nurse-to-sleep yet, but I won't be a slave. I won't force her to sleep or stay awake until the nursing timing hits just right. She is capable of falling asleep on her own. She won't get sick or hurt from letting her cry for 15 minutes. As much as it pains me, it's for her benefit.

Today, she slept in. She didn't wake me much through the night and hopefully we'll continue down this path. Hooray for sleep!

separation frustrations

When we got back from our trip home, Lilli had become so clingy and yelly (yes that is a word, stupid spell check). She literally screamed when I put her down, when I went to the bathroom, when I walked out of view, when she was sad or happy or just bored. It has literally been driving me insane.

I thought about many things that could be the cause of this new issue. There were so many people picking her up and my stress in the situations probably didn't give her the right impression. She spent a lot of time apart from me for the first time, but instead of with one familiar face, she was with many unfamiliar ones. We spent the whole week chasing her around saying "NO!" Not because she was bad, but because everywhere we went was completely un-baby proofed (baby-death traps as we called them.) We cant blame anyone, practically everywhere we visited had not been in baby-mode for over 10 years. Still... it gave her anxiety and she felt trapped, I could see it. The only place she was allowed to roam was outside and even then she was monitored and ushered around.

So many reasons for this sudden constant-meltdown. We researched separation anxiety, stranger anxiety, even "baby yelling non-stop". We came up with so many theories but nothing seemed to fit.

Finally, I spent the day watching her, trying to see what triggered the episodes. Then I noticed, it had a lot to do with her space and when she was allowed to roam her space. I took down her play yard and once again opened up more space for her to play. Something I've done every few months when she learns a new skill that requires more space. I let her roam around with a close watchful eye, try not to hover over her as she explored.

At first she would come back to me every few minutes to check in or look around for my gaze and approval. Quickly the yelling became less and less. We started taking her for walks around the complex, letting her stop as she pleased to collect leaves and sticks. She was exploring without limits, well not completely unlimited.

As if over-night, she seemed to slowly ease up on her anxiety. She still has been yelling when I try and keep her from getting into dangerous situations, but its more out of frustration than extreme anxiety. As I type, she is running (yes running...) from where I sit to the other room. A happy yell. I can live with that.

yakkity yak

When Lilli first copied the sound "hi" in my high pitched, sing song, mommy voice, I thought she was just mimicking the sound and not the word. Within a few weeks she added "daadee" and then a few days later accompanied by a wave. At first, I had to initiate the combination, with an annoyingly loud and excitable "Hi Daddy!" But eventually she got the concept that it meant something more than just a sound we make when someone comes or leaves.

That was around June, and now in July she has picked up a few other connections. She knows that when we sing certain songs we clap. She knows when everyone claps at once someone did something wonderful (usually thinking it was her doing). She knows when she puts her fingers in her mouth she's telling me she is hungry and when she rubs her eyes it's time for a nap or bed.

It's not that I didn't want to tell anyone she had said her first word, I just didn't believe it was possible at 9-10 months. So I dismissed her signs, words, and other actions as coincidence time and time again. It wasn't until she accompanied the word or action with the correct setting that I really put it together.

I feel almost guilty that I didn't give her enough credit when she first made these monumental leaps in communication. I actually said out loud, "you really didn't just do that..." For that, I am sorry. Every single day she amazes me with her intelligence and ability. As I tell my youngest brother, I will always buy you books. I will always be their cheer leader.

home again...

I have been procrastinating this entry. I'll keep it short.

Our trip went better than expected, although, the stress from it was much more than we could have imagined. Following Lilli around from death-trap to death-trap, swiping my finger from one side of her cheeks to the other, grabbing random object after object from her unexpectedly, strong grip. It was a whirlwind of child safety lessons.

Lilli met a very large percentage of her "active" family. We had the pleasure of seeing her interact with her newborn cousin and once again meeting a friend just 10 months older. She was wonderful with both of them, to our surprise. After the 4th of July experience (when a 3 yr old tried to hug her and was met with a forceful push), we were a bit wary.

She was passed from one aunt, uncle, grandparent, great grandparent, etc. to another over and over. Squirming her best to get down to show off her walking abilities. She met two great-grand parents, some uncles and aunts, and plenty of new dog friends.

With the exception of a few schedule-disruption-induced meltdowns, she did fairly well with all of the strangers. I think she felt my tension, it seemed to correlate with her moods.

There was one particular point when we were standing next to a photo we also have in our house, she noticed the person in the photo was sitting in the room. We named the person, then pointed at him, back and forth. She looked from one to the other and then erupted into hysterics. Taking names and making connections.

Big ole' shout out to my brother, Dan, his wife, Becki, and their new daughter Basil Isabella. Congratulations guys!

1st vs 2nd

More times than I'd like, the topic of #2 has come up. As most moms can tell you, as soon as you're engaged, everyone wants to know the wedding date. As soon as you're married, when do you plan to start a family (as if getting married isn't starting a family). When you have the first, less than a year later, when is #2?

I will once again, adamantly, express how completely and totally unready I (we) am (are) for a second. I would like to spend as much time as I possibly can getting to know my first baby before having to commit my body and life to another. I feel like our adventure has just begun, I'd like to enjoy that before sharing it with another child.

When I think about #2, I think about how different pregnancy will be for me. For Dave... For Lilli... Not only we we have a clear idea of what is going to happen, we are scared to death because of our past history. It's more fear of what we know than of what we do not this time. I think, not knowing what was truly happening at the time, made me more able to handle our situation.

Last time, my ignorance was a blessing. Now, I am jaded to the experience. I look forward to doing it again... SOMEDAY. Next time, without the feeling like jumping into the water without knowing if it's cold or not. Unfortunately, knowing that it's potentially life threatening... If not possible, probable.