Then what?

Lilli had a best friend, for the first time ever. She was her perfect counterpart, laid back to her outgoingness, quiet to her constant chatter, they complimented each other nicely.  We discussed, we calculated, we agonized over what to do... Rather I did and Dave and a few close friends patiently listened.  They all knew what I had to do, they all knew what I was going to do.  After all, Dave always says I know what I'm going to do regardless of what anyone else says, I just need someone to confirm it.  It's true. I did.

I had to let the little girl go. The budget wouldn't fit, the time and energy didn't equal out, and most importantly I couldn't do it anymore.  We still see her, which is wonderful for both of them. I know it broke Lilli's heart. She still wakes up and often asks when she will be there or if we will see her.  I couldn't bring myself to pack up the little girl's sleeping arrangements, Lilli got too upset.  After a few weeks, we redecorated her bedroom and slowly made the transition back to normal.

So rather than life handing me another decision, I made one for myself. I was going to go head on into this bookkeeping thing and find more clients. I forged ahead and created a business plan, cards, website, etc. I have been marketing myself in various ways that don't make me feel icky inside.  It's safe to say, I could find a job full time if I had to... but this is harder and far more rewarding.  This keeps Lilli out of daycare, it's more work, and it's more challenging.  This could help me work towards a real business of my own. Most importantly, other than being a wife and mother, it keeps me working on something else that genuinely makes me happy.

The past six months have been a real test for me personally.  I am very fickle and have a very hard time making decisions. I love change but am scared to death of it, like anyone else.  I watched one of my words to live by become a lesson to learn for myself. It was time to make some moves and stop hoping something would come up.

What happened next...

Starting a business was really never my intention when I left my 9-5 desk job. The pressure from trying to be the best parent I could imagine myself being and stress of working full time was too much for me to handle. I gave it an honest shot and it didn't work out. Working from home, that worked. Unfortunately, my maternity leave was up and driving back and forth to daycare twice a day to breastfeed was taxing me in ways I didn't realize.

Eventually, the clouds parted and an answer dropped into my hands. I started bookkeeping for a small local business virtually and things were good. Like any job, it had it's challenges, but it was working.  I always saw myself returning to the full time life once Lilli turned 2. I told myself, she'd be ready for daycare and I'd be ready to start back into the real world of grown-ups.  Two came and went. I thought about it again and again and each time I pushed it off. Maybe Lilli could be home-schooled, those other kids seem to pick up a lot of bad habits from school... Maybe I could sign her up for classes.  Maybe, sometime soon... 

Sometime never came, I kept working.  I kept taking full advantage of being a work-at-home mom. We joined groups, made friends, found free local classes, we had routines, we made our life out of what was going on now.  Meanwhile, the world was changing, oil was spilled, economies made a steady decline felt by everyone.  And one day, my client's small business was being sold sold. Before I realized it, I was *gasp* unemployed! 

I made a mental list, what could I do now? Go back to working full-time? Crunched numbers... Hmm, we'd still be spending more on daycare than the amount we'd save if we got part time job(s) and stayed with her ourselves.  I could try and find new clients, and I did... try. I could watch another child, and I did... try.  

It was the holidays when my paychecks ran out. So no one was hiring immediately, at least no one was rushing to respond to many many many many emails.  A few friends and family told me enjoy the time off and relax until after the holidays. Something, my mind is just not programmed to do. Instead, I'd spend my time stressing about the current state of things.  I put that energy to work, I applied like mad, the whole holiday season.

In January, things started to look up. I found a little girl to watch during the day and a great bookkeeping gig.  By the end of the first month, I realized I couldn't keep doing both. One had to be focused on, rather than wearing myself down to the point of not sleeping.  

Welcome back...

I've made it no secret that blogging can sometimes become sort of a chore for me when I feel pressure to write instead of wanting to do it. Fortunately, I don't have deadlines and advertisers to please, so this has never been anything but an outlet I sometimes share with other people.  

I started this blog a long time ago before I was a parent, with the only intention of getting things off my chest without the pressure of censoring myself in conversation with someone else.  No opinions interrupting my thoughts, no social awkwardness clouding what I really think and feel. Just me. Writing, for me. It's a release of pent up thoughts and ideas with no where to go, which often simmer in my brain until I can't sleep at night and eventually cause me to start going a little crazy.  I found out a long time ago that writing them down, even if never to share them, even if only to delete them immediately after expressing them, through the tips of my fingers, relieves my mind of the heavy weight.

In September, my work load doubled. My stress tripled. The company I worked for was in the process of being transfered to a new owner.  So the work for my one client, the one that has kept me happily at home with my Pie, was coming to an abrupt end. Not only was the work doubled, but it was harder. I was trying to do a lot at once, very quickly and most of which I had never done before.  All the while, losing my mind about what was coming next.

I've always told myself (and too many others because I am addicted to giving advice), "if you don't make a choice of what changes to make, life does it for you."  And it did. Now that I had reached the end of that temporary rope, the one I knew was coming for longer than I admitted to myself, I had to choose.  What was I going to do now?  And the options were too endless to narrow down, too overwhelming to simplify, and starting to weigh very heavily on my mind.

I'll try to catch up what's been going on with some background over the next few entries. Feel free to skip ahead to the Lilli entries. She really is the star of this show, something she is quickly learning how to use to her advantage.

I missed this blog. More than I can really express. It's my baby book, it's my diary, it's my life in too many words no one needed to read but me, but they did. And I missed reading your blogs. I missed talking about our blogs.  I missed seeing an opportunity to write about something important to me fly by and time slip through my fingers.  I missed six months of stories with matching photos, advice on the tough things other people had some insight into, and six months of growth and change.  Most of all, I missed having somewhere to put it all down.