Then what?

Lilli had a best friend, for the first time ever. She was her perfect counterpart, laid back to her outgoingness, quiet to her constant chatter, they complimented each other nicely.  We discussed, we calculated, we agonized over what to do... Rather I did and Dave and a few close friends patiently listened.  They all knew what I had to do, they all knew what I was going to do.  After all, Dave always says I know what I'm going to do regardless of what anyone else says, I just need someone to confirm it.  It's true. I did.

I had to let the little girl go. The budget wouldn't fit, the time and energy didn't equal out, and most importantly I couldn't do it anymore.  We still see her, which is wonderful for both of them. I know it broke Lilli's heart. She still wakes up and often asks when she will be there or if we will see her.  I couldn't bring myself to pack up the little girl's sleeping arrangements, Lilli got too upset.  After a few weeks, we redecorated her bedroom and slowly made the transition back to normal.

So rather than life handing me another decision, I made one for myself. I was going to go head on into this bookkeeping thing and find more clients. I forged ahead and created a business plan, cards, website, etc. I have been marketing myself in various ways that don't make me feel icky inside.  It's safe to say, I could find a job full time if I had to... but this is harder and far more rewarding.  This keeps Lilli out of daycare, it's more work, and it's more challenging.  This could help me work towards a real business of my own. Most importantly, other than being a wife and mother, it keeps me working on something else that genuinely makes me happy.

The past six months have been a real test for me personally.  I am very fickle and have a very hard time making decisions. I love change but am scared to death of it, like anyone else.  I watched one of my words to live by become a lesson to learn for myself. It was time to make some moves and stop hoping something would come up.