Every night we go through a bedtime routine that lasts from a half an hour to an hour. After her bath, teeth brushing, and her pj/diaper change, we start with a glass of milk. On some nights there is a dance party complete with trance music and glow sticks thanks to the dollar section at Target! It's our attempt at getting her tired out if she's a little more excitable before bedtime, usually due to sugary (ice) "cream!" On other nights we go straight for stories which lasts as long as Lilli is interested. Since I typically am home alone during the day, I do naps by myself, so Dave usually reads most of the bedtime stories. She reads along to her favorites shouting the words she knows, we sing some of her favorite songs, and we can't go to the next step without the "Little Piggies" nursery rhyme and the "Hot Dog!" dance.
Up until now, I'd ask her if she was ready for bed after the end of each song. Usually she will say "no" and I will tell her the next song is the last, then she goes down in her crib without much fuss. Lately, she has told me when she was ready for bed, before I even ask, after two or three songs. It was exciting at first, I was thrilled she started to be a self motivated sleeper. Then, she did something she has never done before tonight. We sat down, she got comfortable, we hummed and before the last verse of the first song she asked me "bed, glow-worm?" Of course, it pained me to give up our special quiet time before I was ready to say goodnight. I couldn't very well stifle her independent stride, as much as I would have liked to hug her for another twenty minutes. I put her down in bed, I kissed her boo-boo (that is mostly healed) for the 400th time that day, gave Augie, Blanket, and Glow-worm a kiss, put on her monitor, one more boo-boo kiss, and closed the door behind me. Then I stood outside her door, while Dave was still outside taking Taz for his walk, not knowing what to do with myself.
While the independence of a toddler is always evolving and usually thrilling to see, it is heart breaking to watch her go off on her own without me. Giving up our bedtime cuddle was another step away from that newborn that would only sleep in my arms, boob in mouth. After a year she was ready to go to bed in her own room, awake but not willing by any means. Now, almost two years later, she tells me when she's ready for bed and puts herself to sleep. I know that her life will be a constant, agonizing process of me letting her walk this world alone. I know that all I want for her is to be able to walk this world with confidence and independence. I know it will always break my heart to see her not need me for help through tough times. I want her to know it will always make me proud no matter how sad it is for me to watch. I want her to know, no matter how independent she becomes, I will always be there if she has a bad dream, skins a knee, or needs a hug. "Song of the Entry"
The Look by Color of Clouds
