sleep!

The other day I sat in the rocker with my baby girl, trying to put her down for a nap. She was exhausted but refused to fall asleep in my arms, like every other day. I'm not proud of it, but as I'm sure I've said before, I don't think letting her scream her head off for hours on end is really the best route for us. This time, however, she was dead set against falling asleep. She'd doze in and out and then start crying at her frustration. I was still a little sick (ie: the blogging absence) and just couldn't figure out what to do. In my haze, I set her down in her crib and walked away for a few minutes to gather my thoughts.

She cried, but not the normal scream-until-she-chokes-on-her-own-tears crying. So after a few moments, I went in and said "Lilli, I know you're sleepy. If you need anything Mommy will be right outside. I love you, baby." I kissed her head, laid her down and walked away... leaving the door open and monitor on. I sat in the living room, with my fingers pinching the top of my nose, trying to figure out what to do next. I couldn't possibly nurse her anymore, it was making me sick to my stomach from the emptiness and sucking combination. I felt guilty and sad. Suddenly... she stopped... she was quiet.

I grabbed a mirror from the other room and sneakily wrapped it around the door frame... she was laying down... she wasn't even whimpering... What just happened?!? I gave it another few minutes to be sure, went in to check, holding my breath. She was asleep!!! She put her self to sleep! O.K... fluke... It had to be.

Last night, a day after the last time, she again nursed and was ready to get down and cry again. I knew she was sleepy, just not allowing herself to fall into slumber. This time Dave was home, for some reason this makes me feel more guilty for letting her cry. Like if it's hurting him as much as it hurts me, I have to make it stop for everyone's sake! He went outside to take care of our plants and I sat inside, fingers pinching my nose again. After 5 minutes, I went in to reassure her. Waited another 10 minutes and within 5 minutes she was fast asleep! It worked!!!

I'm not saying I'll give up the nurse-to-sleep yet, but I won't be a slave. I won't force her to sleep or stay awake until the nursing timing hits just right. She is capable of falling asleep on her own. She won't get sick or hurt from letting her cry for 15 minutes. As much as it pains me, it's for her benefit.

Today, she slept in. She didn't wake me much through the night and hopefully we'll continue down this path. Hooray for sleep!