10 months, minus 2 days

Lilli's 10 month birthday is in two days. It's unbelievable to me, as it is at every monthly birthday, how fast the past year has flown by without us even realizing it. Since my cousin just had her baby, I remember those first few weeks of this little blob of nothing. She was just this lump of skin and bones. The only personality is the one I mentally assigned to her in the womb, based only on her kicks and my emotions.

What makes me think is, was Lilli always this little spitfire of hamminess and smiles? So purposeful in her actions, with a side of funny. She has a very unique personality and very animated expressions thanks to Dad's distinct eyebrows. She's curious and funny, she has a bite to her that I remember from the days of rib-kicking. Did I assign this personality to her or did I always know who she was going to be? Do some mothers just "know" their child before they are born?

The only personality trait that surprised me, and it shouldn't, was her laid back approach to almost everything. She's like her dad in that way, just taking it in. I wonder how this wallflower with a big personality is going to end up.

And another developmental milestone, she's picking up on signs very quickly. While they're never right on, she watches me and attempts to copy almost every move. I've gotten so used to signing, sometimes I find myself signing to Dave without thinking. While it seems strange, it's helpful when she's sleeping. ;) (one more)

9 month Appointment disaster

Worst. Morning. Ever. Lilli had her 9m appt. this morning. The Dr. basically told me I nurse her too often, she's should sleep in the hallway, that we're going to get a divorce because we don't go on dates (partially because we don't have any money to), and that she's going to be a 2 year old nursing. Then went on to tell us how much she hates to see that. The whole time giving us very judging looks. Said to not give her any juice, when the last doctor told us to give her some with water. Didn't know her blood type when I asked. Didn't seem to care (or ask for that matter) about her clogged tear duct.

I went in there thinking "this is awesome, she's so healthy and is doing so much. she's going to breeze through this appt." I left thinking I was a bad mother, a worse wife and like someone just punched me in the face.

I have to process everything that just happened before I decide what we're going to do next. But yeah, that sucked. And I really like the pediatricians usually, but I guess we don't see this one lady very often. I can be pretty sure we'll never see her again. At least not unless she's the only person available. But seriously, WTF?

Since when is it the pediatricians job to comment on their patient's parent's relationship. It's interesting, Dave's a VERY involved father, he's very attentive and caring. He knows everything that goes on in her day, especially since I tell him all day long. But they always seem so surprised/impressed by how much he knows when they ask questions. *

On a more positive note... today (ok after midnight yesterday) Lilli began shaking her head "no." I'm not sure she knows why she's shaking it because just now she shook it to "Yo-ho-yo-ho it's a pirates life for me!" However, at lunch she shook her head no at her peaches and when I put it on a fork for her she picked it up and waved bye-bye to it... so maybe she does understand the concept. And I'm pretty sure she's made up her own sign for "all done", it's getting close. YAY BABY! :::proud:::

*edited from an email to Alison.;)

bruises, bad men, and babies

Last night Lilli took a spill, as she tends to do now that she is walking. She fell and smacked the side of her head on a small piece of plastic sticking up on the play yard. As always, she rebounded quickly (except when Dad is more upset than anyone else in the room). We're reading up on the next few months in our What to Expect the First Year and we remembered that side head bumps are worse than front ones. As I was reading about different kinds of baby bashes, I started to remember the first time I was really scared after a major baby bump.

She has had a few serious bruises since starting to move. The first time she drew blood, she was cruising with a board book in hand, lost her balance and fell eye socket first into the side of the book. This could have been WAY more serious than it turned out to be. Needless to say board books are now no longer allowed in the play area.

She crawled off of the bed head first, twice... Once for me and once for Dave. Dave wasn't home when it happened to me and I never told him until... One weekend afternoon, she decided to crawl faster than he could react. When he felt so guilty and badly about it, I broke down and told him what happened to me.

There have been a number of scary sounding falls. Luckily, she's never had a concussion as far as I can tell. I know there will be many more serious bumps to come, at least it's just bumps and bashes not broken hearts. That one is going to be much harder to kiss all better. She's fine, by the way, barely a bruise.

With another sleepless night behind us, Dave and I discussed how to remedy the situation once again. This is probably the 10th or 500th time we've discussed/tried/researched this problem. We have two things on our side. One, it seems that she's not really that bad when you look at the "problem" sleepers. And two, almost every real-life parent I've talked to seems to agree with how we feel about our options.

Since there are a few philosophies on how to sleep train your baby, we've become pretty lost. First of all, "sleep train" sounds like boot camp. Second, Ferber must have a heart made of steal if he could ever listen to his child scream for his attention for over an hour and not want to break down the walls with his bare fists. No child, ever, in the history of time, has ever, ever cried so hard and so loud for a simple comforting hug. There is no way in hell a 9 month old should ever cry like that and not be consoled. Ever. Ever. I'll settle for the occasional sleepless night and the knowledge that my baby is being loved to sleep over heart wrenching screams that literally bring me to the brink of insanity.

And Finally... Breaking News! Last night, Baby Henrik Jax was born into our family to my cousin Britt and her main dude Matt. Congratulations to everyone!

9 months, 3 weeks

Today, something strange is happening. Today, something wonderful is happening. Today, something ordinary is happening.

Britt, my cousin, is being induced... well technically she's been induced. We're waiting for updates. I took this opportunity to go against what I had been telling myself for over a year. I got more involved. I felt this urge pushing me. I had to.

I called my mom, pleaded with her for (hopefully) the last time. I asked her to put her anger aside and move on. (again). I called in the troops. I asked my siblings to use their voices, fingers, and love. I'd say we did a good job, considering the circumstances.

As I was trying to distract myself, with cleaning and dusting, I came across a picture of me, Dave and my grandma (aka mom-mom Lil). I dusted her off and said out loud "Mom-mom, I can't do this alone. I need your help." Nano-seconds later I hear "Hello? Helloooo?" from my phone. Apparently I had called my mom on accident.

I'm a superstitious type. I believe that people never leave when they pass. I believe they live in our hearts. And while it may be something I use to cope with such a huge loss in my life, I honestly believe I can hear her. Even if it's just her words echoing from my youth, I know what she "would have" said. She would have wanted us to love each other.

I'm working on higher orders. Today, something wonderful will happen no matter who is doing the driving.

9 months, 2 weeks

When I was little, I wanted so badly to be unique in my tastes. My mom's favorite color was blue, one of my cousins was pink, and so on. I tried to pick one no one else liked. Not because I liked it, but because no one else did. My favorite New Kid was Danny. My favorite color was a regretful, hunter green. My favorite cartoon character was Felix the Cat.

I fell into this pattern through out my entire life. I think it has a lot to do with who I am now. As someone who reflects on their life, sometimes a little too much, I make an effort to really figure out what I prefer. Unfortunately for me... I'm a Libra and VERY indecisive.

I watch to see what Lilli chooses. I like to remember the things she loves because I find it so incredible that she is able to have a preference, after being such a blank slate at birth. With knowledge and experience, does it become easier or harder to choose? How many times do you change your preferences in a lifetime? Is it nature or nurture?

I think it depends on the situation. Lilli loves her Augie Doggie and Beverly Bear, goldfish snacks, being held upside down, the window to our porch, her pets, and her parents. Just in case I forget someday.

* Do our preferences shape us or do we shape our preferences?

9 months, 2 weeks

My cousin and sister-in-law are creeping towards the ends of their pregnancies. They have both had very very different experiences. One has loved every moment and the other is planning to adopt number two. I was probably closer to the adopting cousin, but I wouldn't go that far. It has brought me back to the moments, days, weeks, and months before Lilli was born. How different things were, how different we were...

And on that note, a sure sign that we're parents, Dave and I are discussing having a poop chart. Every day he comes home from work we discuss the daily poop. With one cat, one dog and one baby we are always tracking someone's digestive system. Yay for parenthood.

walking

From standing to walking in three days time. I was on the phone with my brother, Dan, when she took a step towards me. She took a few more that night and stood for a record time. In the next two days she became interested in the walking toy and standing without support. She'd take 3-5 steps here and there.

Suddenly on the third day, it's almost like it clicked. She figured out that she could brace herself to get up, let go, take a step, balance, take a step. She made it practically across the room. More than 8 feet. Unbelievable.

I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. She seems to think the appropriate time to practice these newly attained skills between 2 and 4 a.m. :::yawn:::

On another note, more than ten people asked me when Dave and I were planning number two. To which I quickly laughed. Not that we don't want another, sometime... Just not now. We both agree that the time we have now is for Lilli. When she's had us to herself for some time, then we'll think about it. It feels too soon. And I want my body/sleep back. I want to relax between.

I understand the idea of having them close to get it out of the way, but that's not what we want. We want to enjoy the time we have with them to the fullest extent. We want to give them all of the attention they need. And babies need a lot of attention.

On another note, my cousin and sister-in-law are coming to the end of their pregnancies. It's fun to be on the other side of the anticipation. Although, I sympathize, I find it exciting and less scary. 38 and 32 weeks. Home stretch. Good luck girls!

Record!

Yesterday, Lilli stood on her own for over two minutes. Then she decided to try to make a step or two. While the steps were not 100%, they were steps... Today she is practicing going from one close object to another. Awesome.

Magic

When I was little I imagined that all of my dolls were real. They each had personalities, names, and preferences. Some liked to sit on the shelf, some the bed, and others preferred the closet (because their faces were made of glass and creeped me out). As I got older, I felt guilty when I decided my bed only needed one doll, I didn't really need to keep all of them, and finally becoming a hand-me-down (read: my sister stole most of them). They were my friends and I loved them with all of my heart.

Now that I have my own daughter, I wonder if she'll give her stuffed pals names and personalities. She has an indescribable attachment to a stuff bear we named Beverly. At some points in the day, she'll stop whatever she was doing, from across the room, head as fast as she can over to Beverly and throw herself on it. She'll lay there with the biggest smile ever for a few seconds and talk to her, then get up and carry on with her day.

I wonder if good old "Beverly Bear" is her "Grizzly"... (who is still perched in my room, much to Dave's dismay).

chomp chomp

Lilli was teething last week. I had thought that both front bottom teeth broke through at the same time, I was wrong. She wasn't too fussy, just a little more grumpy and less sleepy than normal. She ate less but not for long. As usual, my baby girl has proven to be one of the easy babies.

However, biting... not easy. Not easy at all. Since I'm still breast feeding (3 months to go!!!), teething has made a serious "impression" on me (ha!). There have been one or two times when she has chomped down and looked me right in the eye. As if to ask "what will happen if I do this?..." She had that smirk that her dad gets when he did something bad and knows it. I know that smirk well.

The first time I laughed, I couldn't believe it. That face always makes me laugh. I knew I couldn't ever laugh again... It really wasn't funny. It hurt. Bad. The next time was while we were nursing before bed. It was dark and I couldn't see that face, and I was NOT amused. "NO!" I shouted in my best Mom voice. She seemed really startled. Hasn't happened again.

Then there's the weird aspect of the teething situation. I find it very strange to imagine how she must be feeling, suddenly her gummy mouth has these little sharp pieces poking through her gums. But here's the thing... I kind of DO understand what she's going through. For some reason, my wisdom teeth have suddenly started to push through. I've had ear aches, sore gums and pain while eating. Is this how she feels? This is awful. She has to do this so many more times! I think it gives me a perspective that makes me feel more sympathy for this little one. Even if she does test my limits and quits sleeping for two days at a time.

creepy

This weekend we went to the dog beach. It was quite the adventure and resulted in a pretty bad back ache for the both of us. We need to invest in a wagon, stat. The dog and baby had a wonderful time. Taz sniffed everything, Lilli tasted everything, and the two of us were a stress mess the whole time. At the end of the day, I'd call the trip a success considering... All but one incident.

By the time we were ready to leave, as always, Lilli had her fill of fun and wanted to breastfeed before the hour ride home. Usually no problem, we throw up a blanket on one window, Dave stands on the other side. Most of time we're parked at a wall of some sort or in a place that has little to no foot traffic. Well... we thought we had everything covered... Just then, an older man took his jolly good time giving me the stare down as he walked by the front of the car. In a panic I yelled for Dave and tried to find something to cover me up. Too little, too late. He definitely had enough time to burn the image into his dirty old man brain. I felt violated and skeeved out.

It's strange for me, I'm not a shy person... ask anyone who knew me in my early 20's. But this felt wrong in so many ways. I literally threw up a little in my mouth. Should have made Taz eat him. It always surprises me how much having this little girl has changed me as a person. I guess it always will.

P.S. Happy 9 month birthday Lilli Mae. You have made our lives full in ways you'll never know, we love you. Take your time growing up, these months have gone too fast.

The before time

Things I miss from pre-Lilli era:

• reading the news and not trying to catch 10 seconds of the news on T.V.
• painting my nails, which I was never good at, but wish I had done it more often
• random weekend naps, instead of carefully calculating and timing sleep
• lazy Sunday (or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.)
• relaxing beach trips soaking up the sun, instead of keeping babe from eating sand, cigarette butts, and shells
• sleeping more than 6 hours.......ever
• pre-pregnancy clothes, the cute sexy ones...
  
• oh and bikinis

Totally worth it.

9 months (almost)

Here it is... new, improved, and formatted for viewership.

It was time to reinvent this outlet. No longer a place for venting, but more for sharing, I have decided to start blogging again. Mostly because over the past few months, I've had blog idea after idea that went off into the land of blogs that never were, it was time to come back but since so much has changed, it needed to be reworked.

For those who don't know, I went from working full-time to a work-at-home mom, in what felt like a day. Lilli spent 2 months in daycare and I spent those two months in agony. After some financial reasoning and becoming an emotional wreck, we made a huge transition. I can't say one is better than the other. They each have their own pros and cons. I would not trade this time together for minute.

I hope to keep the entries shorter and perhaps include the reader... we'll see how things play out. On that note, here is my entry for today:

When I told my mom my back hurt so bad from carrying around this sack of potatoes that is my daughter, I asked "What am I supposed to do, she's no where near the age where she won't be carried anymore?!" Her response: "Grow muscles."

Thanks mom.