Just a Mom?

Recently, insecurity crept into my thoughts about my level of commitment to raising my kid.  It all started after watching a TV episode dealing with a mom trying not to tell stories about her baby.  She said she never wanted to become that woman that is only a mom. It ended in her ranting about her kid non-stop and everyone else getting annoyed. I started to notice how often I am that mom...

We spend the better part of our day's together, just the two of us. It's hard not to talk about it, since that IS my day.  I enjoy doing everything we do together. I post pictures of mostly her, I tell stories about her, I spend almost all of my time dedicated to making sure she's getting the best out of life.  The news I read is typically either parenting or psychology related. All in an effort to ensure I'm doing the absolute best job I can raising our daughter. I eat, breath and sleep my kid. Was I just a mom? Is that all that there is to me any more? Does it drive people crazy?!

This self doubt was making me a little self conscious. While it was eating me up inside, I started thinking about what it was I was missing out on... Honestly, I didn't feel like I was... I am learning about the world all over again, from a completely different angle.  Having a hand in teaching someone how to navigate life seems like such an incredible opportunity for study. And, really, I don't care if anyone else thinks of me as just a mom.  I know better.

We never miss an opportunity to do something new together, whether we go hiking, on an adventure, to a park, or the beach.  All things that make me who I am, I choose to share them with my family.  The time we spend together makes our lives better. I ache when we're all apart.

I don't knock any mom that doesn't get to spend as much time with their families.  I am more often jealous of how they spend their time, and I'm sure they are jealous of how I spend mine. Everyone becomes insecure in their roles in life from time to time.  For a brief moment I forgot that I chose this life, the most important thing is that it makes me happy. It doesn't matter to me if other people think, I've found myself here for a reason.

Mom-dating

Lilli recently learned the word "park" and will ask to go almost instantly after she wakes up in the morning. So one weekend afternoon, we were driving around running our usual errands and decided to stop and let her play for a bit.  Sometimes a quick stop at our favorite park is worth the expression on her face when we step outside of the car.  This day Lilli seemed to be especially relaxed and spent a good 45 minutes on the swings. We usually sing songs and talk about the trees, I could swear she almost fell asleep.

As Lilli put her head back and let the wind blow through her hair, mom's and their kids came and went.  Then one woman with her two sons sat down next to us one swing over.  She seemed really nice, we chatted for a few minutes about her kids. She had twin 4 year olds and a toddler, I always say to moms with boys "All those boys?! You must be exhausted." Then she asked me about my job, she told me she worked at home too. She saids he had just moved to the area from Michigan last week and was going a little crazy from not knowing anyone.  She said she was in telemarketing and that her neighbors don't ever go outside.  It was a friendly conversation between moms.  Something I had been looking to find for some time.

Then things got awkward.  Well,... maybe not from her end, but I find these situations very uncomfortable.  She asked me to take down her number.  She said she couldn't stand being home all day alone with her boys and thought we should meet up.  Instinctively, I took out my phone, added her number and was about to talk a little more when she said "Maybe we can do lunch next week!" And with that she walked away.

I noticed she was doing the same thing to a few other moms around the park and it made me feel weird.  The whole situation was so familiar, it reminded me of dating. I felt like I was in a sunny bar with kids and play equipment instead of sweaty dudes and barstools, juice boxes instead of shot glasses, scraped knees instead of beer muddied jean bottoms. I was being picked up by a "player", handing out their number to anyone who seemed approachable, and was about to be judged whether I was a worth keeping around over lunch ('cause you don't take a new girl out to dinner first).  I hated dating the first time around...

So I went over it in my head, whether I'd call or not.  I decided not to this time, it just didn't feel right.  I knew these kinds of guys moms, she was getting as many numbers as she could to see if anyone would bite.  While it had taken a lot for me to get into the swing of meeting new moms in my area, I wasn't going to jump at the first opportunity that presented itself.  If I see her again, maybe we can get to know each other a little better before committing to a date.  I'm just not that kind of girl mom.

"Song of the Entry"
Digging for Clams by Almond, Cohen