8 weeks

As I sit here with an enthusiastic Lilli staring me down from the seat next to me, I wonder how in the hell I've made it through the past two months feeling only slightly exhausted and entirely complete as a person. She is starting to wake up to the world more and more every day. "Talking" to us, learning about herself and us, making new friends with the dog and cat. She laughs when we mimic her, she's especially happy in the morning, and she's a pretty easy baby (knock on wood) as far as baby's come. She cries only when she's hungry or needs a change. The past two nights she slept 5+ hours straight! I woke up at the normal three hour mark out of habit and couldn't get back to sleep in anticipation of her waking up. I was shocked when it took another 3 hours.

I never thought when this journey started that I'd be looking back feeling bad for my old self. I waited so long to make sure I was ready for such a change, and now I feel like I could have done this anytime over the past 2 years. I held myself back for this reason or another. Now it sort of feels like I was ready that whole time. I was missing out on the most wonderful part of being alive.

On the other hand, with things the way they are in the world, I can't help but worry we made a horrible mistake. That this wonderful life we created will be cut short by the mistakes of many other people of power. I know it's kind of sadistic to think about, but it's a very real fear these days. After all, as Dave is constantly reminding me, the Mayan calendar ends on 5/5/12. I tried to convince him that they just got tired of writing it... Or should I say, I tried to convince myself.

I went to the doctor Monday and got the O.K. to "resume normal activity". Thank goodness because I was starting to get winded walking around a lot on the weekends. I promptly drug my big old exercise ball out of the closet and started my healthier diet. So here begins the "pre-pregnancy weight countdown". 15-20 lbs to go, and keeping my fingers crossed that my stretch marks and dark line down my belly disappear with the pounds. I'm totally the type to sport such spots in pride of my experience, but I'll be honest... I don't know that my ego will allow such things. Who knew I was so self conscious... I did. Time to put away the masks of toughness and self confidence. Time to be true to myself and not pretend to be someone I'm not.

Punk rock Carrie is now Punk Rock Mom Carrie, she has nothing to prove. Strawberry flavored with a side of cute little baby(Who I have allowed and been excited to dress in pink, despite my protests). I wonder who this new me is... I wonder how long she's been hiding without a voice.