5 weeks

The past month has been nothing short of incredible. And stressful, and eye opening, and scary, and the list could go on and on...

Every single day Lilli learns more about the world. Her life opens up a little more each day. It's nothing short of awesome, and not the "dude awesome" type of awesome, the type of awesome you read about in the bible (if I read the bible). Her face changes, her awareness becomes more apparent, she gains strength (and weight), and she seems to do it so quickly. A friend said "it makes you feel like, as adults, we're just lazy. All we do is just grow wider." It made me laugh, but also it's so true. Somewhere along the lines we stop growing so rapidly, we stop absorbing so much that we change on a daily basis. It is kind of a depressing thought, that we no longer learn so much in one day that our minds expand as the sun goes down and comes up.

Then again... I've changed dramatically. My mind set is different, my priorities have shifted to the point where I don't recognize myself. I can't imagine going back to the life I once knew. My heart grew 3 times it's size in one single moment. And I know everyone said it was going to happen, but I had no idea... I always saw myself as one person, and now... That person no longer exists. The things I imagined for myself, my life, my family... they are changed, they are no longer as important as the things I see for us now. It's no longer Dave and me, it's us. The family. MY family. Not the extended version of ourselves that once spent entire visits home running from place to place... but this little pod of us's, this small unit that is the 3 (5 if you count the pets, and Dave would be sad if I didn't) of us.

I don't know what is next, and that scares me beyond any fear I've ever had. I don't know where we'll go from here. I can't predict how things will happen tomorrow let alone a few days, weeks, or months down the line. I don't want to... but it is very scary. Geez, I cant even plan when I'll get to brush my teeth or shower... Things seem so much more complicated, there are more emotions involved in what happens next now. When before it was just "this is right, this is wrong", it's a grey area.