Lilli has been down to one nursing a day for a few weeks. There had always been a reason not to cut that last one out of the equation. It's a week night, we have company, she's sick, she wasn't getting enough cow's milk yet, or simply she's not ready. Truth of it was... I wasn't ready. I've never been the type to really embrace breastfeeding. It was something I was doing for her, I didn't love it. I didn't gushed with emotion and I certainly didn't feel the connection between her and me was only because of feeding times, it was always for the greater good. The greater good that was no longer an issue.
I had ran out of excuses and I had made the decision long before I made the leap. She is now drinking 20+ oz of cow's milk a day, she can put herself to sleep at naps and bedtime, and she wasn't asking to nurse unless provoked. I changed my birth control back to my regular brand, one that would inevitably eliminate my supply. I could tell that she wasn't getting anything out of our bedtime nursings. It was time.
So after Dave said his goodnight, I rocked her in my arms humming my favorite bedtime lullaby. I told her how much I loved her and gave her a million kisses. I hugged her so tight I think I might have cut off her breathing for a second. I put her into bed, hummed one last song for her, tucked her in tight, gave her a kiss, told her we loved her, and shut the door behind me.
I sat on the floor in our room next to the monitor as a few tears rolled down my cheek. Saying goodbye was harder on me than it was on her. She played her glow-worm a few times, humming to herself like she always does before falling asleep. And without a single peep or complaint, she fell asleep.
It was beautiful and sad. I was so proud yet I was mourning my loss but not hers. My baby made another leap towards independence. I was almost lonely. Now every night she puts herself to sleep after I hum my favorite bedtime song and squeeze her too tightly. Sometimes I run back for one last kiss on her forehead before closing the door. I'll miss our time together, but now when we snuggle together, it's because we want to not because she's hungry or needs to be consoled. That makes it more special.
"Song of the Entry"
